By Bob Gaydos

  If it swims like a fish, smells like a fish and drinks like a fish, you’ve got a drunken fish. Or, in this case, Pete Hegseth.

   The evidence is everywhere, starting with the fact that Donald Trump’s nominee for secretary of defense is running around apparently telling everyone that if he is confirmed as head of the most powerful military organization on the planet, he would stop drinking completely. He’s even telling people who didn’t ask him about his drinking. In fact, I’m not sure anyone asked him to stop drinking, but apparently he thinks it’s a good idea, if not a job requirement, for the secretary of defense to abstain completely from alcohol.

    Like an alcoholic. Which Hegseth apparently does not think he is because he told his colleague, Megyn Kelly, on TV, “It’s not hard for me because it’s not a problem for me.” He added: “This is the biggest deployment of my life, and there won’t be a drop of alcohol on my lips while I’m doing it.”

    Pete, Pete, Pete. Take a seat. First of all, if “it” is not a problem for you, then there’s no reason for you to abstain completely from drinking. I’m sure some secretaries of defense have had a glass of wine at some fancy dinner, someplace or other with no one raising an eyebrow.

      But if you’re swearing off, there must be some reason. Usually, that means a lot of other people have suggested or outright said you have a drinking problem.

    I’m not making this stuff up out of thin air, Pete. I’ve been writing a column about addiction and recovery for 17 years and I’ve interviewed literally dozens of members of Alcoholics Anonymous. They agree that people who don’t have a drinking problem (1) don’t accidentally wind up at AA meetings and (2) don’t feel the need to swear off drinking totally in order to get a good job or not get kicked out of the house or fired.

    Or, as The New Yorker reported, get carried to your room at a Memorial Day veterans event in Virginia Beach in 2014 because you were “totally sloshed.” Or,  had to be held back from joining female dancers on stage at a Louisiana strip club.

  Or go on the air to host a morning show on Fox TV smelling of alcohol, as colleagues reportedly complained.

   Or, as reported, be removed from leadership positions at two military veterans organizations amid allegations of financial mismanagement, inappropriate sexual behavior and, yes, drunkenness.

   I guess that’s why you’re promising to be abstinent if you’re put in charge of the Defense Department, Pete, a job for which, by the way, you are also clearly unqualified.    

    And, Pete, as long as we’re being honest here, there’s that painful note your mom sent you six years ago: “I have no respect for any man that belittles, lies, cheats, sleeps around and uses women for his own power and ego.

   “You are that man (and have been for years) and as your mother, it pains me and embarrasses me to say that, but it is the sad, sad truth. I…say… get some help and take an honest look at yourself.”

    That’s the kind of behavior which experience tells usually involves alcohol. 

    There’s no time like the present, Pete. Your mom is right. Get some help and take an honest look at yourself.

     You sound like a macho guy, Pete. Do yourself a favor. Find an AA meeting, walk in quietly and take a seat and listen. You don’t have to say anything. They don’t even want to know your last name. A lot of macho guys have told me it was the hardest thing they ever did.        

     And the best.

                   ***

    As long as we’re on the subject, in the past, I’ve posted several different questionnaires used to assess whether a person has a problem with alcohol. The shortest one is the AUDIT, offered by The World Health Organization and is the most widely used alcohol use assessment tool in the world.

      AUDIT stands for alcohol use disorders identification test. This test is for Pete and anyone else wondering about a drinking problem. As always, be honest for the best result.

 

The AUDIT questionnaire:

Please circle the answer that is correct for you

1. How often do you have a drink containing alcohol?

• Never
• Monthly or less
• 2-4 times a month
• 2-3 times a week
• 4 or more times a week

2. How many standard drinks containing alcohol do you have on a typical day when drinking?

• 1or2
• 3or4
• 5or6
• 7to9
• 10 or more

3. How often do you have six or more drinks on one occasion?

• Never
• Less than monthly
• Monthly
• Weekly
• Daily or almost daily

4. During the past year, how often have you found that you were not able to stop drinking once you had started?

• Never
• Less than monthly
• Monthly
• Weekly
• Daily or almost daily

5. During the past year, how often have you failed to do what was normally expected of you because of drinking?

• Never
• Less than monthly
• Monthly
• Weekly
• Daily or almost daily

6. During the past year, how often have you needed a drink in the morning to get yourself going after a heavy drinking session?

• Never
• Less than monthly
• Monthly
• Weekly
• Daily or almost daily

7. During the past year, how often have you had a feeling of guilt or remorse after drinking?

• Never
• Less than monthly
• Monthly
• Weekly
• Daily or almost daily

8. During the past year, have you been unable to remember what happened the night before because you had been drinking?

• Never
• Less than monthly
• Monthly
• Weekly
• Daily or almost daily

9. Have you or someone else been injured as a result of your drinking?

• No
• Yes, but not in the past year
• Yes, during the past year

10. Has a relative or friend, doctor or other health worker been concerned about your drinking or suggested you cut down?

• No
• Yes, but not in the past year
• Yes, during the past year

Scoring the AUDIT

   Scores for each question range from 0 to 4, with the first response for each question (eg never) scoring 0, the second (eg less than monthly) scoring 1, the third (eg monthly) scoring 2, the fourth (eg weekly) scoring 3, and the last response (eg. daily or almost daily) scoring 4. For questions 9 and 10, which only have three responses, the scoring is 0, 2 and 4.

    The range of possible scores is from 0 to 40, with 0 indicating an abstainer who has never had any problems from alcohol. A score of 1 to 7 suggests low-risk consumptions, according to World Health Organization (WHO) guidelines. Scores from 8 to 14 suggest hazardous or harmful alcohol consumption and a score of 15 or more indicates the likelihood of alcohol dependence (moderate-severe alcohol use disorder).

    If you’re concerned about your score, reread the above message to Pete. Again, be honest. And have a safe and sober holiday season.

By Bob Gaydos

     Sometimes you can’t win for trying.

      If you’re a regular reader of my column (and thank you for that), you probably noticed I’ve taken a break from politics the last few posts. It was deliberate. A need to get centered and focused on what’s important in life before engaging, slowly, with the current … umm reality.

      But wouldn’t you know it, just as I decided it was time to tackle the litany of “in your face” spite appointments emanating from Mar-a-Lago, one of the most gratuitous Trump insults to the rule of law and the Constitution decided for himself (maybe) that there’s such a thing as being too cocky. Especially when there’s mounting evidence that you participated in a large sex trafficking ring, which apparently included an underage female and you also happen to be a member of Congress.

    Matt Gaetz will not be the next attorney general of the United States of America. He withdrew his name from consideration for the post, even though Republicans on the House Ethics Committee tried to keep him in the game by refusing to release their report on Gaetz’s activities.

      The stuff will all come out, but Gaetz, thankfully, is gone from Congress, having resigned soon after Trump named him as Attorney General pick. It was probably just a way to kill the report, but, also good news, too many Senate Republicans were having trouble swallowing Gaetz, even for their exalted leader. Checks and balances, anyone?

     So, good riddance to Gaetz and thank you for unintended consequences.

     This, of course, leaves a spoiled fish stew of other appointments and nominations announced by Team Trump to help run the country for four years without running it into bankruptcy or court, like virtually all other activities involving Trump.

       Bubbling to the top of this pot are worm brain, anti-vaxxer Robert F. Kennedy Jr., to be Health Secretary and TV crackpot Dr. Mehmet Oz to head Medicare and Medicaid.

  Close behind is Fox TV personality Pete Hegseth, as Defense Secretary, apparently because he once served in the military and stands accused of doping a woman’s drink to have sex with her (some call this rape), which refers back to the Gaetz qualifications for Trump’s Cabinet.

    Toss in a fracking company exec for Energy Secretary and a drill baby drill guy for Interior and you know where this is going. Lots of back-scratching and little concern for the future of the planet or the people.

      For now, also throw in a choice for Education Secretary who said she was a teacher, but wasn’t, but did run a professional wrestling business and donated millions to Trump’s campaign and a U.N. Ambassador who has no diplomatic experience but totally switched her political philosophy when Trump hijacked the GOP.

      It remains to be seen where Republicans in the Senate draw the line on Trump’s choices, if anywhere, but I’m hopeful that MAGA’s history of incompetence holds true and becomes evident to a lot more Americans.

     As a former sports editor, one of the things I turned to in my brief hiatus was the NFL season, such as it is in New York. If you want a non-political example of MAGA incompetence, take the New York Jets. Please, as Henny Youngman used to say.

      Their owner, Woody Johnson (Johnson & Johnson) is a big Trumper. He was rewarded with the ambassadorship to the United Kingdom in Trump’s first term and is looking for a repeat. Maybe he just wants to get out of town.

      Johnson thought he would improve his football team by insisting on paying big money to hire Aaron Rodgers, a 40-year-old quarterback who refused to be vaccinated against Covid, doubted the Sandy Hook School shootings and 9/11 attacks were truthfully reported and felt strongly both ways on abortion. He was critical of Trump, but questioned the results of the 2020 election and had the same Trumpian tendency to make stuff up. RFK Jr. considered Rodgers as a vice presidential running mate before jumping to Trump.

      Well, Jets fans know how that Rodgers decision worked out. In a disastrous season, Johnson fired the coach and general manager because, well, quarterback Rodgers may have shared some political views with Johnson, but he couldn’t connect often enough with his receivers. Out of touch and out of step. Time for a new quarterback. 

     If that’s a metaphor for MAGA, I hope all the rest of us USA fans can simply survive through a losing season and, like Jets fans, let ‘em know it’s time to draft a new quarterback.

      Heck, maybe everything is politics.