By Bob Gaydos

Governor Kathy Hochul says New York is suing the would-be king.

 I don’t know how it happened, what with the world on a 24-hour what-the- hell-did-he-do-now news cycle, but I somehow managed to miss a cycle or two and found myself scrambling to catch up. I apparently got some laundry and food shopping done and connected with a few friends, so it was time well spent. Still, life as we know it, you know?

     I realized I had had a news blackout when an image of Trump on the cover of Time Magazine (renamed “Trump”) showed up on my phone. (Remember when it was just spam calls?) He was wearing a smile and a crown. The headline said, “Long live the king.”

      That was fast, I thought. What else had I missed? Of course, I quickly discovered it was a mockup of Time put out by the White House, but the guy had actually uttered the words. Or rather, typed them on his social media platform: “CONGESTIONPRICING IS DEAD. Manhattan, and all of New York, is SAVED. LONG LIVE THE KING!”

   Having decreed New York City “saved” from its traffic issue, even though it’s none of his business (New York is suing), I learned Trump had also wandered into the wilderness in Ukraine, declaring that its president Volodymer Zelenskyy was “a dictator” and that Ukraine had actually started the war with Russia, apparently by letting itself be invaded by Vladimir Putin’s troops.

    This last bit of historical rewriting actually prompted a few Republican lawmakers to snap their suspenders and disagree publicly with their leader. I also found that his not so vague attempt at extorting valuable minerals from Ukraine in exchange for possibly continued U.S. support in the war, prompted some speculation that Trump was a Russian asset. A Putin puppet.

    Shocking!

    Actually, I was not at all surprised to learn this information because I have been convinced that Trump has been somehow compromised by Putin ever since their private meeting in Helsinki in 2018.

     I’ve said it before more than once and I’m saying it yet again — Putin emerged from that meeting looking like he had swallowed, not the canary, but the American eagle, and Trump looked like a teenaged boy who had just been caught doing something best done in private and was going to be blackmailed for it for the rest of his life.

      Just because “The Manchurian Candidate” was a movie doesn’t mean it couldn’t be happening before our very eyes. Especially with an ego-driven, cowardly person like Trump. Putin owns Trump. It’s not just Trump’s admiration for “strong“ leaders, I don’t think. Putin’s got the goods on Trump and Trump has been trying to satisfy his master, by sabotaging NATO and refusing to support Ukraine, among other things. Some might scoff that this is just another wild conspiracy theory (the bullet never hit him) and I’ve mocked conspiracy theorists myself. But it’s not a theory when it’s staring us in the face.

      But, as I said, that’s old news. Back in my news blackout I also apparently missed Trump firing the general heading the Joint Chiefs of Staff because he’s black and the heads of the Navy and Coast Guard because they’re women and replacing them with less qualified white men. Because DEI.

    But the real shocker came in the area I go to for escape from unsettling news. Sports. Apparently, after six decades and a bunch of championships, I learned the New York Yankees have lifted their ban on facial hair among players. Wow! This was even more shocking than reading about robot umpires being tested. Hal Steinbrenner Jr., team owner, has altered the policy initiated by his father to now allow facial hair as long as beards are “well trimmed.” I guess the players are happy.

      I’m not sure how I feel about this. The Yankee haters will have lost one of their major talking points. On the other hand, there’s something to be said for tradition and daring to be different. Maybe they’ll just have to go back to winning championships again. That would be nice.

    And maybe I need to stay on top of the news a little better because this catching up on stuff could drive a lesser person to drink. (Wink, wink.)

PS: The bullet never did hit him.