By Bob Gaydos

 Captain, oh Captain! To the helm hurry thee! 

‘Tis land ahead and large that we see!

 

“Huff, puff, wheeze and whew 

     At the helm, thank you.

Is that Greenland I see? Praise the lord! Glory be! 

All hands on deck! Prepare

   to set it free.”

 

Umm, captain, my captain, ‘tis Iceland dead ahead.

Those were our orders, as you said.

 

 “Iceland! Greenland! Abi gezunt! 

As long as we’re (hack … wheeze) healthy,

   one island’s just as good as another. Full ahead!”

 

But Captain, they’re free, as is Greenland to be sure.

They likely won’t welcome our ships on their shore.

 

   “No matter, we’ll lower their tariffs and promise 

them chips. They’ll gladly welcome (huff, puff) our ships.

Our moguls are angry, the market took a dip

   all because of Iceland. Is that a Coke?

Give me a sip.”

 

  “Look, I told them at Davos I’d buy Greenland,

or maybe Iceland,

Or some big island, I think.

      Not to worry.

But I’m getting old and I’m in a bit of a hurry.”

 

  “If I can give them Greenland or Iceland to feather their nest, they’ll give me more goodies

and I’ll be forever remembered

As the best of the best.”

 

Snore, snore, snore, snore, snore, snore, snore…

 

Umm, Captain, my Captain, wake up! 

We’re ashore! Anchor’s down! 

The Icelanders are angry. They want us to get out of town!

 

“Iceland?! You idiot! I said Greenland! These guys have

  absolutely nothing I want!

It’s the wrong f$&#ng island! Take us home,

then you’re fired!

    I should have just stayed on Epstein’s Island.

     S*&t, I’m tired.”

 

Aye, sir. Hoist anchor. Headed home.

(Silent: And if the powers that be, can hear me,

Please, oh please, oh please,

25 47

Before I get to Heaven.)

                ***

USA Today: “They’re not there for us on Iceland, that I can tell you. I mean, our stock market took the first dip yesterday because of Iceland. So Iceland’s already cost us a lot of money.” — Donald Trump in Davos, confusing Iceland with Greenland several times.

“Abi gezunt” is a Yiddish phrase meaning “As long as you’re healthy.” It is used to downplay problems.

By Bob Gaydos

   So the very smart TV made an unscheduled stop the other night on one of those “business” news shows with a bunch of well-dressed, middle-aged men and younger women talking to each other about money. I think. 

    They were talking about the day on Wall Street and they all sounded very smart, like the TV, but, I don’t know, maybe something got lost in the translation for me.

     What I can recall of their stream of consciousness conversation that day went something like this: “Nvidia … AI … Magnificent Seven … Tesla … Earnings … Inflation … Nvidia … Kathy Wood … Tesla … Fed … Rates … AI … Microsoft … Shorts … Inflation … Techs… Bubble… AI … Nvidia … Fed … Tesla … Apple … Trillion … Inflation … Fed … Nvidia … Over-Priced … Tesla … AI … China … Apple … Nvidia … Price Target… Shorts … Rates … Inflation … Amazon … Fed … Techs… Index… AI … Dow … Tesla … Kathy Wood … Nvidia … Google … Shorts … Inflation … Earnings… Recession … Fed … AI … META … Index … Fed … Nvidia.”

     That’s pretty accurate, I think. So it sounds like something to do with money, right? But not the economy because that word was never mentioned. Well, maybe someone said “consumer” one time in a passing remark on inflation.

     The thing is, they all seemed to understand each other and mostly agreed with each other, especially about Nvidia and Tesla and AI and Kathy Wood. But after listening, I wasn’t sure how the economy was doing or even what stock I should buy or sell, if I were in the market to do so and maybe couldn’t afford Nvidia. Or maybe I couldn’t afford not to afford Nvidia.

      Confused, I looked around and heard pretty much the same conversation on every TV business show, so I figured they got paid to talk to each other about Nvidia and inflation, but weren’t interested in telling me anything useful. Certainly not about business.

       Luckily, I finally found the “I-know-every-stock-out -there” savant, Jim Cramer, whose message, as usual, was clear: “Buy! Buy! Buy!” or “Sell! Sell! Sell!” But don’t trade Apple. Still. Oh, and the economy’s doing fine.

       There’s something quietly reassuring about being talked to directly, rather than eavesdropping on some private conversation. Especially about money.

      Smart TV take note.

rjgaydos@gmail.com