By Michael Kaufman

Thanksgiving at our house will be a little different this year as it comes at a time when my wife and I are facing a critical point in our marriage. After more than 21 years together, we are now forced to deal with one of the burning issues of our time: Can an obsessively compulsive woman and a man with attention deficit disorder live together in peace and harmony?

We have successfully evaded the question all these years because one or both of us has been working fulltime so we were rarely together long enough for the other’s annoying habits to get on our nerves. Now, thanks to a spectacular hiking accident that shattered her ankle in several places on November 7, and a less-than spectacular economy that has rendered me without a fulltime job since February, we are home … alone (except for when the kids come in for a weekend or holiday) … together (except for the dog and cat) … all day long. Our love has never been so greatly tested.

Under orders from a renowned ankle surgeon in Manhattan (so renowned he doesn’t accept insurance) she is unable to put any weight on her right foot. She has only been outside once since her surgery — to attend a performance by our daughter in a school play — and it was a fiasco. She said the wheelchair we rented that day was uncomfortable. After the show I loaded the chair into the car but forgot to load the crutches. Backing out, I ran over the crutches. The ride was bumpy. As we neared home a large deer darted in front of the car and I had to brake hard. The sudden stop nearly sent her crashing into the dashboard and sent painful tremors through her entire leg. She hasn’t been outside since, nor has she used the wheelchair. Remarkably, the crutches sustained only minor damage and remained serviceable.

Stuck at home with nothing to do but sit or lie down with her leg elevated (“Toes above the nose,” was the emphatic mantra from the nurses) she has little to do. She hates TV except for “Jolly Widows,” the Korean soap opera we watch together Monday through Friday nights on WMBC (Channel 20 on Cablevision … you should watch it, it’s great, really) from 9:20 to 10 p.m. And maybe a little Keith Olbermann (sorry Gaydos) and Rachel Maddow.  She reads. And she obsesses.

She says, “Could you put that glass in the sink?” She says, “Can you bring me my reading glasses?” She says, “Can you straighten out that cover on the ottoman?’ She says, “Oh, and when you bring me my reading glasses can you bring the quilt and the water bottle?” She says, “Thanks, but you forgot the quilt.” She says, “Can you bring me my notebook computer, my hair clip, and the quilt you forgot before?” She says, “Can you bring me my pillow?” She says, “That’s not the right pillow. I want the white smooshy one. And can you bring me my Blackberry?” She says, “That isn’t my Blackberry. It’s my cell phone. Can you bring the charger, too?” She says, “That’s the cell phone charger.” And so it goes.

To be honest, we got on each other’s nerves a litte bit at first, but we’ve gotten pretty good at laughing at ourselves. It may be a cliche, but laughter is still the best medicine. The answer to the burning question is yes. 

NOTE: Special thanks from Eva-Lynne and our entire family to the wonderful rescue workers from Greenwood Lake, who carried her safely from the treacherous site of the accident on the Appalachian Trail. And thanks to a hiker named Roger, whose kindness and assistance helped ease her ordeal throughout that long and painful afternoon.

Michael can be reached at michael@zestoforange.com.

By Michael Kaufman

I admit it. I love it when an umpire makes a bad call, especially in a big game. The worse the call, the more I enjoy it.  I like to see an enraged manager rush from the dugout, waving his arms, snarling , kicking dirt on home plate or the umpire’s shoes. I like when a home-plate umpire angrily rips off his mask and gets in the guy’s face.  And there’s nothing wrong with a little flying spittle now and then.  I wait with anticipation for the moment when the ump has finally had enough and signals the old heave-ho by raising his arm, pointing at the offending party, and shouting, “You’re outta here!”

And sometimes it doesn’t stop there. The guy who got thrown out may turn and  yell at the top of his lungs as he is leaving. Maybe he will continue his tantrum and throw things onto the field when he gets to the dugout. Or maybe he’ll put on a disguise and watch the rest of the game from the stands. Sometimes others will continue the argument with the ump until they get tossed too. It’s all good.

Few things are more entertaining to me. The great old-time announcers like Red Barber used to refer lovingly to these tete-a-tetes as “rhubarbs.” Controversial calls and the ensuing rhubarbs have been almost as much a part of baseball lore as the all-time great batting and fielding achievements. If you are a longtime baseball fan you can think of a few off the top your head.

But you don’t hear much about rhubarbs any more. Advances in video technology have given us the ability to quickly assess the accuracy of a call. Was it a strike or a ball? Home run or foul ball? And now, the Lords of Baseball, in their infinite stupidity, have joined their counterparts in the National Football League, by introducing a video review process.  It started this year during the regular season and was used the other night in a World Series game to determine that Alex Rodriguez had indeed hit a home run and not a double, as originally called by the umpire. And so the game, already beset by lengthier delays than necessary to accomodate television advertisers, was delayed again so the umpires could shamble off the field, go into the clubhouse, and watch a video.  They looked pathetic.

And just what is so important about making the right call 100% of the time in a baseball (or football) game? Umpires and referees have a tough job and it is amazing they get the calls correctly as often as they do. Here is one football referee’s take on the subject, but it applies just as well to baseball:  “Yes, officials are supposed to get it right, but then again, so is that $5.5 million wide receiver who has dropped 60% of his passes this year, and so is that multi-million dollar coach who is 0-7 for the start of the season. Oh, and I guess we should mention the sportscaster who doesn’t really know the rules but yet feels totally comfortable second-guessing and sounding like an expert.” I’m with you, pal.

And don’t forget we are not talking brain surgery here, where the use of advanced video technology might save a person’s life. It is just a ballgame for crying out loud. Still, sports play a huge role in our society, which is why I fear the day may not be far off when a conversation like this takes place at the dinner table:

“What is this, chicken? You told me you were making the lamb chops tonight.”

“No … I said I was making chicken. You asked me right after you brushed your teeth.”

“No … you said lamb chops and it was after I came back from walking the dog… Let’s review it!”

“We can’t review it. You already used your three challenges for the week.”

Michael can be reached at michael@zestoforange.com.

By Michael Kaufman

Whenever things got to be too much for Chester A. Riley, played by William Bendix on the old “Life of Riley” TV show, he would exclaim, “What a revolting development this is!” I uttered those same words last week as a I came to the yellow blinkers and four-way stop signs that now disrupt the flow of traffic on Grand Street in Warwick. 

The stop signs and blinkers were deemed necessary thanks to the location of Liberty Green, the handiwork of millionaire developer Jonah Mandelbaum and enabled by his accomplices among the local powers that be. The name Liberty Green is something of a misnomer, sort of like the way they name places built in the broiling, treeless sunlight of South Florida: “Welcome to the Shady Maple Motel.” Take away green space and replace it with a garishly lit, hideous brown building and call it “Green.” Populate it with older women and men who are not at liberty to afford the more expensive adult condos at Warwick Grove and voila…the perfect name.

Mandelbaum, as noted in a previous post,  is a member of something called the Warwick Development Coalition, where he is joined by the likes of Robert Krahulik, vice chairman of the Warwick Republican Committee and head honcho of the Chamber of Commerce. Krahulik is a lawyer whose office handles real estate closings. What a coincidence. (His office also orchestrated the infamous “stealth” campaign that unseated Village Justice Richard Farina in the last election. )

More recently Krahulik published a letter in the weekly Warwick Advertiser in response to a brief letter by resident Jerry Sander. Sander wrote about the checkered and violent antics he had observed on the part of followers of Lyndon LaRouche in the 1970s. He did this after several LaRouche followers set up a table in front of the Wawick Post Office, brandishing pictures of President Obama with the word “Nazi” beneath it, and similar offensive materials. Near the end of his letter was this sentence: “Local Warwick Republicans might consider this before they offer these nuts their support.” 

Sadly, there had been more than a few passersby who signed petitions, donated money, and otherwise expressed support for the hateful depictions of the president, as well as a degrading poster targeting Nancy Pelosi. It is reasonable to assume that at least some of these passersby were Republicans, perhaps unaware of the history of the LaRouche cult, which Sander had briefly elucidated in his letter.

Krahulik responded with a sledgehammer.  First he accused Sander of attempting “to tie the Republican Party to the anti-Obama rhetoric of the LaRouche PAC.” This, he added, was “but a feeble attempt to advance his [Sander’s] agenda and that of the left. Those on the far left do this often when they can’t win an argument on substance. They resort to personal attacks or distortions of fact.” And, he added,  “I have faith in the intelligence of the reader to understand and comprehend the truth.” Me too. The truth is that anyone looking for personal attacks or distortions of facts will find them in Krahulik’s nasty letter…not Sander’s.

“Mr. Sander’s advocates did the same thing when they dismissed those of us who took time from work and family to spill onto our Nation’s Capitol Mall and Plaza to peacefully protest this government’s radical reform of our health care delivery system,” continued Krahulik. It seems like Krahulik thinks he deserves a medal for his sacrifice and heroism in going to Washington for a demonstration.  And what exactly does he mean by “Mr. Sander’s advocates?”

All that was just part of the opening sentence of a long paragraph detailing the demonstrators’ complaints about such things as “over regulation into major industries.” He also said, “They called us angry white racists rather than debating the issues.” And, “Of course we all would like to see health care reform, but at what price?” Funny, he didn’t mention tort reform anywhere in his diatribe. But just where does Jerry Sander’s letter fit into all this?

“Sadly, Mr. Sander and his minions don’t like dealing with the facts,” concluded Krahulik, “and worse yet, are now attempting to hide the facts and the truth from the American people.” Mr. Sander and his “minions”? All Sander did was offer a word of caution to local Republicans about associating with the LaRouche cult.

The last time Krahulik had a letter in the paper it was to announce the support of the Chamber of Commerce for the firing of school bus drivers as a way of keeping school taxes down. By then it was already a done deal but he couldn’t resist the opportunity to pile on, offering his sympathy (of course) to those of our neigbors about to lose their jobs and benefits… while  explaining that it just had to be done.

There’s an election coming up Tuesday. A local Republican campaign sign says, “Preserve our agricultural heritage.” These are the  same people who opposed PDR, the purchase of development rights, that has preserved some–but not enough–of our local farm land. (But notice how the elected ones always show up for the PDR photo ops?) And for all their complaints about large national issues, they have done nothing locally to help our dairy farmers stay afloat. 

With guys like Mandelbaum and Krahulik calling the shots for the Republicans, the only way our agricultural heritage will be preserved is in a museum. What a revolting development! 

Michael can be reached at michael@zestoforange.com.

By Michael Kaufman

Hunter Thompson would have loved this one. I’m in the press room at the Georgia World Congress Center after making the rounds of the exhibits at the Annual Meeting of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM). The peach cobbler at the Schering-Plough booth was scrumptous!  Boehringer-Ingelheim has some delicious capuccino made fresh and served by a cheerful young woman named Tresica. Other companies are giving away clever little egg-themed tschotchkes.

I feel sorry for the doctors from Vermont, Minnesota and Massachusetts though. Right next to the peach cobbler and elsewhere throughout the exhibit hall are signs advising them to refrain from accepting any of these freebies in accordance with the laws of  their home states.

This phenomenon, which one wag has dubbed the “tschotchke intifada,” is government’s response to the lavish meals, travel and other gifts that pharmaceutical companies used to lay on healthcare professionals, especially ones deemed “thought leaders” or “key opinion leaders” (KOLs in today’s jargon).

It was a not-so-subtle way of trying to influence them to be favorably inclined toward the company’s products, thereby driving up the number of prescriptions and increasing the profit margin. And by all accounts it worked: More than a few unfortunate patients experienced deleterious effects from drugs that were overprescribed as a result of these nefarious practices. But, mercy, does this mean your local doctor can’t have a little bit of peach cobbler or a fresh cup of capuccino when they go to a medical meeting?    

Meanwhile the companies have found other ways to drive prescriptions, most notably by direct-to-consumer advertising on television, radio, and in mass-circulation publications.  “Ask your doctor if [fill in the blank] is right for you.” Viva Viagra! Thank you, Novartis.

The biggest news to come out of the ASRM meeting can be summed up by one of the headlines: “Octo-Doc Gets Seal of Disapproval.” Doctor Michael Kamrava, who runs the West Coast IVF (in vitro fertillization) Clinic in Beverly Hills, was kicked out of the ASRM for his “persistent failure to live up to our standards,” explained Sean Tipton, spokesman for the group. Kamrava is the fertility specialist whose teatments led to the birth of Nadya Suleman’s octuplets as well as her six previous children. Those last eight were probably the last straw.

News of Kamrava’s expulsion has completely overshadowed coverage of some interesting medical advances presented at the meeting, including promising stem-cell research with implications for prevention and treatment of cancer. Kamrava was second only to Beyonce in Monday’s “Most Popular” searches on Yahoo.

Also widely covered was a story reminscent of one of the classic routines on the original “2000 Year-Old Man” album made by Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks. Brooks, plays a renowned psychiatrist discussing one of his famous cases, a woman named Bernice who compulsively tore paper. “I cured her,” he says proudly. When Reiner asks how, he replies, “I told her, ‘Don’t tear paper…What are you, crazy, tearing paper? Don’t tear paper!'”

The headline Monday from Reuters was, “Want to get pregnant? Just relax.” The story led, “Old-fashioned common-sense advice to just relax may actually work to help some women get pregnant, doctors reported on Monday.”  Just relax. Don’t tear paper.

You might also want to listen to a little harp music, according to results of a randomized clinical trial reported at the meeting. Patients undergoing IVF were randomized into two groups, one  of which listened  to 20 minutes of live harp music during the procedure. The researchers concluded that harp music therapy “significantly decreases self-perceived anxiety levels.” There was also a trend noted “towards improved clinical pregnancy rate in the harp group…” I’d like to see a study comparing the effects of live harp music versus 20 minutes of listening to a Jimi Hendrix album.

I miss Hunter Thompson. And I’m about ready for some more peach cobbler and maybe some more of Tresica’s capuccino. Later.

Michael can be reached at michael@zestoforange.com.

By Michael Kaufman

I got a phone call the other day from Greg Ball, the 2010 Republican candidate for Congress in the 19th Congressional District. It wasn’t a real phone call from Mr. Ball. It was one of those “robot” calls with a recorded message of his voice. I usually hang up on those kinds of calls…even the always cheerful holiday messages from Meir Borenstein, the local Chabad rabbi. For some reason he gets on my nerves even though I love his Brooklyn accent. “Hello! This is Rabbi Meir and Rivkie Borenstein calling to wish you a Happy Purim and to tell you about…” [Click]

But I listened carefully to Ball’s message and when it was over I felt a chill, because if I didn’t know better, based on what he said in that phone call I would vote for the man. It was an artful piece of demagogy crafted to appeal to anti-war voters like myself. No doubt he has a far different message for telephones that ring in households of his Republican base. 

In my phone message Ball never identifies himself as a Republican. He begins by reminding listeners that they voted for change last November, including the election of our “current Congressman,” who ran as a peace candidate. John Hall’s name is not mentioned. Ball observes, correctly, that Hall….er, the current Congressman, has been something of a disappointment because of his support for the Obama administration’s continuation of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. By the end he sounds more like a Peace and Freedom Party candidate than a Republican.

This is the same Greg Ball who spoke not long ago at a Republican fundraiser at the Warwick estate of Jonah Mandelbaum, the millionaire developer who never met a green field he wouldn’t like to build on…unless it was close to his house. As noted by fellow Zester Jeffrey Page, one of the big-name guests at this shindig was Bernard Kerik, the disgraced former police commissioner of New York City.

When it was Kerik’s turn to speak he defended the use of torture when questioning suspected terrorists. “Imagine if we could have prevented 9-11 with enhanced interrogation techniques like sleep deprivation, loud music, and even water boarding,” said the soiled ex-cop. “Would we have done that to save 3,000 lives? You bet.” This takes quite a bit of imagining, especially since no evidence has been presented that a single life was saved by the extensive water boarding that took place after 9-11.  We do, however, have Dick Cheney’s word for it….and also Peter King’s.

King, a right-wing Republican Congressman from Long Island, was the main speaker at the Mandelbaum gathering and he blasted the United States Justice Department for announcing plans to investigate the legality of such practices by CIA interrogators. King called it “a declaration of war against the CIA,” adding, “the information we obtained saved thousands of lives.” A newspaper report of the event noted there “appeared to be little disagreement” among the attendees. Needless to say, there was nary a peep on the matter from candidate Ball.

A photo accompanying the news article showed Ball addressing supporters and offered a glimpse of one of the spacious rooms at the Mandelbaum home. It reminded me of a scene in Mel Brooks’ “Silent Movie:” Above the urinals in the well-appointed men’s room of the fancy corporate headquarters of the Engulf and Devour corporation is a sign that says, “Our toilets are nicer than most people’s homes.”

Mandelbaum’s spacious estate is a world apart from the apartments at Liberty Green, the senior housing complex he recently erected near where I live. The apartments, though small, seem nice enough inside, but the exterior qualifies it as one of the ugliest residential buildings in Warwick. It has already increased traffic on Grand Street to the point where several new stop signs have been added.

Liberty Green

Liberty Green is one of several Mandelbaum projects enabled by a $10.5 million grant awarded to his company by New York State last year, the largest multi-project award of its kind ever granted. “We’ve been meeting the demand for well-built, safe and affordable senior housing since 1996, when we built Devon Woods,” Mandelbaum was quoted in a local newspaper article reporting on the grant. “This award is an honor and we are committed to continuing to meet the housing needs of our senior citizens.” The article goes on to say that Mandelbaum is “well-known in Warwick for his contributions to civic and charitable organizations.”

I don’t know about his contributions to charitable organizations but he has donated many thousands of dollars over the years to local, state, and national  political candidates. With the exception of a $5,000 donation in 2007 to the Democratic Senatorial campaign (an election in which the Republican candidate had no chance) all of his donations were to Republicans. The most intriguing is a 2005 donation of $1,000 to Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska. 

I suspect the local and state political donations have at least as much to do with the grant award than Mandelbaum’s commitment to quality, affordable housing for seniors. They also likely have something to do with the ongoing glut of development in Warwick. The Liberty Green home page links to a popup promoting the proposed “Community Business Zone” on Route 94 and to the official Town of Warwick Web site, which promotes the virtues of the recently formed Warwick Development Coalition. Mandelbaum is a member, of course, along with local elected officials and other Warwick luminaries. Do you think maybe I am on to something or am I just being too cynical?

Michael can be reached at michael@zestoforange.com.

By Michael Kaufman

Standing on line next to me at the unemployment office was a short, balding man wearing a rumpled suit and tie. He surveyed the number of people ahead of us and sighed, then complained, “My wife bought veal.” 

“Veal!” he repeated. “You know how much veal costs? I don’t have a job and she’s buying veal!” 

We chatted to kill time. It would be a while before we reached the counter to  face a cranky, unsmiling person who would eye us suspiciously and ask if we had looked for work that week. I saw the same man the next time I was there. “She bought veal again,” he said sadly. “I think she is in denial.”

This was a few decades ago at the unemployment office on 181st Street near St. Nicholas Avenue in Washington Heights…my old neighborhood. A visit to the unemployment office back then was a degrading experience.

Fast forward to the present.  The first thing I notice about the unemployment office is that it isn’t called an unemployment office. It is a “One-Stop Career Center.” Because my job was in Bergen County, New Jersey, my claim is processed in that state. My One-Stop Career Center is in Franklin, in nearby Sussex County. 

When I reported as instructed for orientation I noticed a group of seniors doing Tai Chi in a corner of a large gymnasium-like room. We newly unemployed people were sent to a classroom where we were greeted by a kindly woman named Paula, who told us we could call her at any time or come see her if we had any questions or if we needed help with our resumes or anything.  “Just ask,” she said. “We’re here to help.” I imagined a short, balding man in a rumpled suit and tie asking, “Can you tell me how I can get my wife to stop buying veal?”

I called once to tell Paula I needed to reschedule an appointment because I was going out of town to do some freelance work. She seemed delighted to hear from me and said there was no need for me to come in again…ever. “It’s just a frelance gig,” I explained. “I’m still unemployed.”

“That’s okay,” she said cheerfully. I was a little disappointed because I was going to ask if I could do a little Tai Chi on my next visit.

These days I use my computer to file online and the New Jersey Department of Labor and Workforce Development (LWD) even sends me emails with links to job opportunities they say may match my recent job experience. They aren’t very good at this but I can’t blame them. I know an excellent headhunter who hasn’t placed anyone in my line of work all year. 

Still, it is a tad discouraging when the best the LWD (we must never say the u-word, unemployment) can come up with is a listing like one that came just the other day: “Spring 2010 — The Frisky Lifestyle Journalism.”

The description begins, “Please Note: Internships are UNPAID and structured to last approximately 12 weeks.” Okay, they never said it was going to be a perfect match.

“The Frisky is the first sex & relationships infotainment brand for women seeking an authentic, yet uniquely funny and irreverent perspective on love, life and pop culture.” Hey, sounds kind of neat once you get past the “infotainment” jargon. I once wrote for Women’s World. Maybe I’ll apply. Perhaps they’ll like me so much they’ll offer me a fulltime position.

“The Frisky offers a smart and sincere POV that informs, entertains and connects women from various walks of life by emphasizing their shared experiences in matters of the heart and body.”  Uh, I think maybe they need a woman for this. 

“The Frisky targets the sexually liberated, sexually savvy demographic of My Boys, Friends, and Sex and the City, whose audience has come of age in the digital era.” That does it. For guys my age, coming of age in the “digital era” has an entirely different connotation.

“They enjoy R-rated movies and TV-MA sitcoms, read womens magazines brimming with sexy articles and advertising and are nonplused by the ubiquity of explicit sexual material on the Internet.” What if someone has all the qualifications except they are NOT nonplused by the ubiquity of sexual material on the Internet? Should they lie just to get this plum of an unpaid temporary job?

 “They are highly web-savvy and seek a highly entertaining one-stop destination which examines the full spectrum of lifestyle topics through the universal lens of sex & relationships.” The web-savvy thing kills it for me. I admit it. I’m not a good fit.

Beth? Carrie? Shawn?

Michael can be reached at michael@zestoforange.com.

By Michael Kaufman

Sick of the mindless garbage permeating his TV screen, my friend Tom Karlson began watching Korean-language historical dramas on cable TV. This was around 20 years ago and they didn’t have English subtitles like they do now.

It didn’t bother Tom that he spoke no Korean. He found it a challenge to try to figure out the story as the characters, garbed in period costumes unfamiliar to most westerners, shouted, waved their arms, hugged, wept, and waded into fierce battles.  Truth be told, Tom really didn’t care if he couldn’t figure the story out. He said it was still more entertaining than watching some tired retread of an American sitcom. I could see his point but I still thought he was more than a little bit  nuts.

Tom will no doubt be amused to learn that I became addicted a few months ago to a Korean soap opera called “The Road Home,” which aired weeknights on WMBC (Cablevision channel 20) from 9:20 p.m. to 10 p.m. After the final episode  ran a few weeks ago it was replaced by one with the strange title, “Jolly Widows,” to which I have now also become addicted. 

When I first started watching “The Road Home” my wife and children made fun of me. But one by one they got hooked as well. This was good because if any of us missed the show there was usually at least one family member who could tell the others what happened. Did Songtae find out the baby is his? Is Dr. Yu still in a coma?  Did Hyonsu’s family accept Suin? Is Sumi still acting like a bitch? What’s going on with Jisu and Hiro? Juho and Shinae?

So far I’m on my own with “Jolly Widows.” The rest of the family, still shaken by the unexpected and abrupt ending of  their beloved “The Road Home” (which I alone was able to watch) have thus far boycotted the new show, which I can only presume is due to some misplaced loyalty on their part.  But I sense a crack in their armor: my wife Eva-Lynne has poked her head in a few times when I’m watching and seems at least mildly interested, especially when there is something that pertains to Korean culture.  I have never watched more than a couple of minutes of any American soap opera, but I doubt anyone in them ever oohed and ahhed over the mudfish stew they were having for dinner.

Unlike “The Road Home,” in which all of the main characters’ families  were well to do, the primary characters in “Jolly Widows” are from different social strata and class backgrounds. This makes for some interesting interactions. It took me a few episodes to get all the subplots but I have a pretty good handle on the whole thing now.  I have a feeling Eva-Lynne might soon be making a chart to help her sort out the “Jolly Widows” characters like she did for “The Road Home.” Because the names of some characters seem confusingly similar to people unfamiliar with Korean culture, she often resorts to designations like “pretty woman” to describe someone on her chart. In “Jolly Widows,” for example, there is a woman named Yun-jeong Ha, whose daughter is named Jeong-ah Lee. One guy is named Jin-woo Han and another, unrelated, is named Jun-woo Lee.  Jun-woo Lee looks more like a North American Caucasian person than he looks Korean, so Eva-Lynne might call him “American man.”

I was going to try to describe the plot for you but I just can’t do it justice. I located a description on line from something called AsianMedia Wiki that is likely to be even more deficient but it will have to do for now. (I’m tired and I have to file this piece soon.) Here goes:

“Two women became widows on the same day, same hour. Yun-jeong Ha becomes the matriarch of the family of her husband. Yun-jeong supports them because she feels guilty about her husband’s disappearance. Dong-ja Oh, Yun-jeong’s sister-in-law, has been living with Yun-jeong’s help as well.

“After the terrifying day of losing their husbands, the two women have been living as each other’s good companions. However, now they become implacable enemies because of their children!” (Aside: Damn! This hasn’t happened yet in the show…grrrrrrrr.)  “What would happen if their daughters rival each other in love? What would happen if Yun-jeong’s husband, who everyone thought was dead, appears before them as the future father-in-law of Dong-ja’s son?” (Another aside: AAAARGH! Why did I have to find this description?) “Could Yun-jeong and Dong-ja’s relation go back to the good old days?”

Trust me. It is better than this. Try watching it some time and let me know what you think. You too Tom.

Michael can be reached at michael@zestoforange.com.

By Michael Kaufman

What, I wonder, would Emma Lazarus think of our national debate over healthcare reform? Although she has been gone for more than a century, Lazarus is well remembered for the final lines of her uplifting sonnet, “The New Colossus,” engraved at the base of the Statue of Liberty. In the poem she refers to the statue as “Mother of Exiles.”

“Give me your tired, your poor,” she wrote.

“Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

“The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

“Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.

“I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

Emma Lazarus

Lazarus wrote “The New Colossus” in 1883, following a wave of immigration by multitudes of destitute eastern European Jews who had been expelled from the Russian Pale of Settlement. I think my grandparents on both sides were among them. Many Americans back then did not share the welcoming sentiments expressed in the poem, as evidenced by the country’s discriminatory immigration policies.

Until the immigration law was changed in 1965, notes Stephen Klineburg, a sociologist at Rice University in Houston, “it was just unbelievable in its clarity of racism. It declared that Northern Europeans are a superior subspecies of the white race. The Nordics were superior to the Alpines, who in turn were superior to the Mediterraneans, and all of them were superior to the Jews and the Asians.” Needless to say, even the lowly Jews and Asians were considered superior to the black and brown peoples of Africa and the Americas.

The blatant discrimination was manifested in signs posted in public places and even in newspaper ads: “No Jews or Dogs Allowed,” “No Chinese,” “No Irish Need Apply,” “Whites Only.” In later years it got more subtle. Hotels in the Poconos that discriminated against Jews included the words “churches nearby” in their ads. On the other hand, Jews were welcome at Catskills hotels that included “dietary laws strictly observed” in their advertisements.

By the early 1960s, Greeks, Poles, Portuguese, and Italians–inspired by the burgeoning civil rights movement among African-Americans–began voicing complaints about the discriminatory immigration quotas. President John F. Kennedy called for reform of the immigration law a few months before he was assassinated. Immigration reform then became a major cause championed by his brother, Senator Edward M. Kennedy.

Unfortunately, the sons, daughters, and grandchildren of immigrants are among those now voicing complaints against “illegal aliens,” specifically with regard to the question of healthcare reform. Have they forgotten that their own people were once the victims of immigration quotas? Are they unaware that their parents (or grandparents) were vilified for the burden they would place on healthcare because of the diseases they would allegedly bring into the country? Or that they were condemned for speaking foreign languages instead of English?

How many of us who are descended from immigrants can be sure that our own family members were not among the undocumented?  It was not long ago that so many Italians came “without papers” that an abbreviation of those words became a nasty anti-Italian slur. The anti-Semitic term “kike” is said to be derived from the Yiddish word for “circle”– because  Jewish immigrants unable to write their names would mark a circle on official documents in the place where their non-Jewish counterparts placed an  x.

Today it is the mostly Spanish-speaking “illegal aliens” who are scorned to such an extent that even President Obama is afraid to speak out on behalf of their basic human right to healthcare. This is a tacit acceptance of the lie put forth by opponents of reform that the “illegals,” not the profit-hungry insurance companies, are responsible for the current high cost of healthcare. 

What would  Emma Lazarus think of this debate?  I’d say not very much. 

Michael can be reached at michael@zestoforange.com.

By Michael Kaufman

This was supposed to be a celebratory year for the New York Mets as they marked the 40th anniversary of the team’s first World Series victory and began the season in a spanking new state-of-the-art ballpark. But Citi (aka Bailout) Field has been something of a disappointment, mainly due to some sightline flaws, and the injury-plagued team has performed more like the Original Mets than the 1969 unit, finding ever more creative ways to lose ballgames.

So why is it that those early Mets teams were fun to watch, whereas the current version is barely watchable as the regular season winds down? The answer is multifactorial, but I will focus on one closest to my heart. It has to do with characters. Not character, which abounds among the players, who strive to play well even as they fall short in the majority of games.  Certainly no one can say that Jerry Manuel is lacking in character as he manages the team in futile pursuit of victories.  Manuel and the players do the best they can…but they aren’t characters. 

(Note to Omar Minaya: If you are going to put a terrible team on the field, make sure you include a few characters.) Sure, the Original Mets lost more ballgames than any team had ever lost before in one season, but they had a bunch of characters. Admittedly it is unfair to compare Manuel to Casey Stengel, one of the great characters in the history of the game. But it would help if Manuel didn’t speak in a dull monotone, mumbling like a guy on high-dose thorazine, during his post-game press conferences. I guess I expected more from the man, perhaps because he has a goatee.

Stengel managed a bizarre collection composed mainly of over-the-hill veterans and untalented young players. Exceptions included Richie Ashburn, who still possessed most of the skills that earned him a place in the Hall of Fame, and Ron Hunt, a scrappy young second baseman who was the first Met to be elected to the National League All-Star team. Hunt is best remembered for his specialty as a batter. He led the league in getting hit by the pitch.

Ashburn earned his place in the Hall of Fame as center fielder for the Phildelphia Phillies but when he was inducted in Cooperstown he couldn’t resist telling a few stories about his year with the Mets. He recalled that after several near collisions with Spanish-speaking shortstop Elio Chacon he realized that Chacon did not understand his shouts of, “I got it!” So he asked teammate Joe Christopher, who knew some Spanish, how to say it in Spanish and practiced until he had it memorized. Finally, on a fly ball to short left-center field he shouted, “Yo lo tengo!” and Chacon backed off. However, just as Ashburn was about to make the catch he was flattened by Frank (Big Donkey) Thomas, the burly left fielder, who did not understand Spanish.

Chacon, a weak hitter and not much of a fielder, either, nevertheless holds a special place in Mets lore. (For one thing, more than a few elderly Jewish fans believed the Mets had a Jewish guy on the team named Eliashu Cohen.) Chacon started the first triple play in Mets history on Memorial Day 1962 at the Polo Grounds. Willie Davis was the batter for the Dodgers and the play went Chacon to (second baseman) Felix Mantilla to Gil Hodges at first. 

Despite his .236 batting average, Chacon had an outstanding on-base percentage of .368 because he walked a lot (79 times in 449 at-bats). But he is probably best remembered for his part in a brawl at Candlestick Park in San Francisco. Willie Mays had spiked him sliding into second base on a pickoff play. The slightly built shortstop made the mistake of punching him in the head by way of retaliation. Mays picked him up and body slammed him a la Killer Kowalski.

Rod Kanehl was another early Met character of note. A weak hitter who could play any position in the field (not very well), he had a droll sense of humor. When the Mets were mathemematically eliminated from a chance to finish ninth in the 10-team National League, a sportswriter asked Kanehl how it would feel to play out the rest of the season knowing the team would finish in last place no matter what. “Takes the pressure off,” replied Kanehl.

Are you listening, Omar?

Michael can be reached at michael@zestoforange.com.

By Michael Kaufman

A report issued last month by the New York State Department of Criminal Justice Services (DCJS) says that Jews were the top targets for hate crimes in the state last year, followed by blacks, gay men, and Hispanics. The report analyzed crime data submitted by police agencies in all of the state’s 62 counties.

Of 596 cases statewide identified as hate crimes, Jews were targets of 36%, blacks 25%, gay men 11%, and Hispanics 4%. Like many other Jews, my first reaction to the news was, “So what else is new?” The virulent anti-Semitism that sparks hate crimes against Jewish people has been around for millennia. I remember reading a magazine article a few years by a Holocaust survivor from an area in Eastern Europe where the entire Jewish population had been eradicated. Upon returning to the home town of his youth he was shocked to see anti-Semitic graffiti scrawled on walls, and to hear anti-Semitic slurs uttered by local citizens. The hatred had persisted long after there were any Jews there to hate.

Anti-Semitism also tends to spike in times of economic hardship, as was the case in pre-Nazi Germany. The old stereotypes about Jews and money die hard, especially when names like “Goldman-Sachs” appear in the news in connection with the Wall Street meltdown and the dubious bailout that followed at the expense of the American taxpayers. It doesn’t matter that most of the big banks in the U.S. and worldwide are not headed by Jews. No one hears names like J.P. Morgan, Chase, or Barclay, and thinks, “Those damn WASPS!”

Nevertheless, on reflection I think the state report is flawed. I don’t doubt that we Jews account for more than a fair share of the hate crimes committed in New York State and, for that matter, across the United States. But I question the statistical findings when the only data used in the analysis were provided by police sources. There is a tendency on the part of police officials, who are most often white, to dismiss the suggestion that a crime committed against a nonwhite person is a hate crime. Sometimes they don’t even consider it a crime at all. This is especially true when the police themselves are the perpetrators. Remember: the four white cops who put 41 rounds into the defenseless Amidou Diallo in February 1999 were simply doing their duty.

And what are we to make of that 4% figure for Hispanics? Assaults on undocumented immigrants awaiting work as day laborers were commonplace in some communities in the state last year. Were they reported as hate crimes? Were they even reported at all or were the victims too afraid of deportation or indefinite incarceration at some hellhole of a detention facility to file charges or testify? You want to see hate crimes? Take a look at the cruel treatment afforded the detainees—women and men, many with young children—who came here in search of a better life only to be demonized as “illegal aliens.”

Elie Wiesel, the writer, Nobel Peace Prize winner, and Holocaust survivor, said it all: “You who are so-called illegal aliens must know that no human being is ‘illegal,’” he declared “That is a contradiction in terms. Human beings can be beautiful or more beautiful, they can be fat or skinny, they can be right or wrong. But illegal? How can a human being be illegal?” Not long after he made this statement he was assaulted and dragged out of a hotel elevator in San Francisco. His assailant, Eric Hunt, a 23-year-old anti-Semite and Holocaust denier, is from nearby Sussex County, NJ. He was eventually convicted of a hate-crime felony and two misdemeanor charges of battery and elder abuse.  

Of the 564 incidents reported as hate crimes by local police officials in New York State last year, only 10 resulted in convictions for hate crimes. (Fifty-four resulted in convictions on other charges.) Janine Kava, a spokesperson for the DCJS, cautioned against drawing any sweeping conclusions about the conviction statistics. “It would really be inappropriate to speculate on that,” she said, explaining that prosecution is a local function. “Each case could have had its own fact pattern, its own reasons for the disposition.” One need not speculate to know there is entirely too much hate in our midst regardless of who tops the list of victims of hate crimes.

Michael can be reached at michael@zestoforange.com.