By Michael Kaufman

The people who hijacked my email account last week got a virtual earful from some of my friends. I’ll share a few of their responses in a moment, but first a word about Jolly Widows, the Korean soap opera, which ended its run last week, and its successor, Happiness in the Wind, which began its run Tuesday night on cable channel WMBC.

Frankly, I am beginning with this subject and putting the title in the headline for one simple reason. Fans of the Korean soap operas (I prefer to call them “dramas”) will find Zestoforange when they do a Google search that includes the title of the show. This can help us pick up some new readers. I know this because of an email I got this week about Jolly Widows:

Hi Michael,
I came across your blog! Did you see the final episode? What did you think?  I was so torn!!!! This soap was as good as The Long Road Home and You Are My Destiny – quite possibly better!!! I have a question. Do you know if there’s a way to order the soundtrack? Also I can’t wait for the new soap!!
Thanks,
RM

I replied truthfully that I had never seen You Are My Destiny but I loved The Long Road Home and Jolly Widows. I was ambivalent about the final episode of Jolly Widows because I could never forgive Mrs. Na for the way she had treated Suhyeon and Jinwu while she was trying to keep Mr. Kang from recovering his memory, or for conspiring with Cheol to force Nayun to marry him against her will. As far as I’m concerned Mr. Kang should have gone back to his old family and Najeong could have stayed with Mrs. Na. She could have still  had frequent visitation with her grandmother, father, sister, and cousins! Yunjeong deserved better for all she went through…even if the ending implied that she and Junwu would be getting back together.

Like RM, I couldn’t wait for the new one to begin….but when we tuned in Thursday night there was a documentary about the discovery of an ancient sword found buried under a sidewalk in Seoul during a construction project in 1975. Fascinating as it was, I was disappointed. When would the new drama begin? Not Friday night. They showed a documentary highlighting the heroic resistance waged by Korean guerilla fighters against the Japanese invaders in 1906. (That one was fascinating too.) Monday? No dice: They showed part two of the Friday documentary (not so fascinating).

By Tuesday morning I couldn’t take it anymore. I called the WMBC headquarters in Newton, NJ, and asked the woman who answered the phone if she could tell me when the series that will replace Jolly Widows will begin.

“Jolly Widows? Hold on, please…” I was kept on hold for at least as long as when I called the unemployment office last year. I hung up without getting through, assuming that WMBC was swamped with callers asking the same question.

And our question was answered that night. Happiness in the Wind is on the air! I love it already. You can find it on Cablevision channel 20 Monday through Friday from 9:20 to 10 p.m. (Some clips from Jolly Widows can be found on Youtube.)

Okay, so last week my Yahoo email account was hacked by the so-called Russian Mafia and everyone on my address list received an email purporting to be from me, stranded in the UK and asking for money. Replies went directly to the hackers, who responded in my name. When Hal Davis, once a classmate of mine at SUNY New Paltz, posed a question that only I would be able to answer, the fake me responded, “I have been anticipating your reply…it s been a hell of a day,  just believing God for a miracle.” Then followed instructions to wire $920 via Western Union to an address in Bristol, England. Hal, a veteran newspaperman, was not fooled. He knows I’m an agnostic Jew who doesn’t expect miracles from God.

“You think i will seeking assistance from you if this was not serious?” they replied to Peter Knobler and Mikhail Horowitz when they couldn’t answer their questions. “Asking you to send the money to me directly is enough proof…” Mikhail had some sharp words for them, which he thought better of sending. But you can hear sharp words from him in person starting at 2 p.m. Saturday (April 17) when he joins Ed Sanders for a poetry reading at The Gallery at R&F Handmade Paints, 84 Ten Broeck Avenue, Kingston (for directions call 800-206-8088 or 845-331-3112).

Tony Seymour had some poetry of his own for the hackers (adapted here for publication):

“Listen up……whoever the [BLEEP] you are…….send me one more answer and its going directly to the US ATTORNEY general,  ya dig!!! get the [BLEEP] out of my friend’s accounts you little TWERP ASSED MOTHER[BLEEPER]!” He signed it, “Poet, Tony Seymour.” (You can find Tony reading his “rocket poetry” to Jeff Beck’s music on Youtube.)

My brother was not fooled by the hackers but he emailed me to say he thought “the part about losing the passport and wallet gave it all a personal touch of authenticity.” I wonder what he meant by that.

“Emairjancy, Emairjancy,” wrote Jack Radey, “everyone is to get from strit!! ” That was Jack’s way of letting me know he wasn’t fooled.  But then he added,  “Come on, Michael, fess up, at your age you actually DID lose your credit cards, command of the English language, and good sense.” I refuse to dignify that with a reply.

Don’t forget to tune in tonight to Happiness in the Wind.

Michael can be reached at Michael@zestoforange.com.

By Michael Kaufman

Dear Friends and Family,

Thank you for your concern. As you have probably figured out by now I did not make a “quick trip to the UK” nor did I lose a bag that contained my passport and credit cards. Someone (I’m told it’s the “Russian Mafia”) has hacked into my email account and sent everyone on my address list a bogus message.

“I know this may sound odd,” I supposedly wrote, “but it all happened very fast. I’ve been to the US embassy and they’re willing to help me fly without my passport but I just have to pay for my ticket and settle some bills. Right now I’m out of cash and my credit cards all gone.” (Right there you can tell it isn’t me. I would have written, “…my credit cards are all gone.”)

“I have contacted my bank but the process of getting new cards is far too long. I’m just gonna have to plead with you to lend me some funds right now?” (Hah!  Anyone who knows me  would know I would never put a question mark there.)

“I’ll pay back as soon as I get home.” (Excuse me, Mr. Russian Mafia guy but didn’t you mean to write,“I’ll pay you back as soon as I get home?”) “I need to get on the next available flight home.” (A little redundant are we, da?)
 
“Please reply as soon as you get this message so I can forward the details as to where to send the funds. You can reach me via the hotel’s desk phone if you can, the number is, 011447135987030.” (If anyone actually called this number, please let me know what happened.)

“I await your response…you can reach me via my alternate email (michael10990@aol.com) as am logged onto AOL via my black berry.” (Nooooooo, you cannot. That is not my alternate email address and I don’t own a “black berry.”)

Those who replied to the fake email address seeking verification received this reply: “Asking you to send the funds to me directly is enough proof you really want to assist..am sorry i wont let  you put me through all this crap all in the name of wanting to help…do you have an idea of what i have been through already..Never mind..thanks for trying to help though…i appreciate.” (There, that should convince the skeptics. Kaufman is just the kind of guy that asks his friends  and relatives for money and then accuses THEM of putting him through crap.)

To add a touch of authenticity, the email ends,  “Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry” (No “black berry” and no “Verizon Wireless BlackBerry” either. I have enough trouble just figuring out how to use my cell phone.)

Unlike the ubiquitous “Nigerian” scams, this one isn’t mainly about getting people to send money. The “Russian Mafia” is looking for email addresses that will lead them to big bank accounts….and to the big banks themselves. That’s where they do their real hacking. So they come to the wrong guy when they picked on me.

But for the time being they have wiped out all my saved incoming and sent email messages. Feel free to write to me here at Zest if you don’t know the real alternate address. I’ll keep you posted. Dasvadanya!

Michael can be reached at Michael@zestoforange.com.

By Michael Kaufman

CINCINNATI (April 1) — Procter & Gamble announced plans today to launch a new personal hygiene product based on the long-term success of the company’s Head & Shoulders line. The new product will be identical to Head & Shoulders shampoo, but will be marketed as body wash under the name Buttocks and Genitals, said Robert (Bob) McDonald, company CEO.

The body wash will be packaged in smaller containers than the shampoo and sold at a higher price. Different packaging will be used to target male or female consumers and the product for women will be priced higher. “We expect this to be a blockbuster,” said McDonald, who said the company conducted extensive market research and rigorous clinical studies before moving forward with the launch.

“Our research showed that consumers will readily pay more to get less,” he explained. “Just look at the shelves at your local supermarket. Remember when there was enough tuna in a can to make sandwiches for two or three people? Nowadays a can of tuna is so small you’re lucky to get one sandwich out of it. But I don’t complain and I don’t hear anyone else complain either.”

McDonald noted that the pharmaceutical industry has also found it profitable to use the technique. “When Merck found out that men taking Proscar to treat prostate cancer grew new hair, they marketed smaller amounts of the active ingredient in Proscar as Propecia … and charged more for it. It just makes good business sense.”

Thousands of consumers took part in the Buttocks & Genitals clinical trials, which compared the new product with other leading body washes. Participants were randomly assigned to use Buttocks & Genitals and a different product to wash one or the other butt cheek. Validated questionnaires were used to determine consumer satisfaction with each product. Significantly more participants agreed with the statement, “My buttocks feel clean and fresh” after using Buttocks & Genitals. The findings were similar for men and women of all ages, races, sexual orientation and political persuasion.

“Only two participants withdrew before completion of the study,” said McDonald, “but the withdrawals were deemed not related to the products. Both were members of the ‘tea party’ movement and they just couldn’t find their buttocks with both hands.” Trials involving the genitals are currently under way, with interim findings indicating a trend in favor of Buttocks & Genitals.

A massive advertising campaign will accompany the launch, culminating in a Super Bowl ad featuring the cast of The West Wing. Zest of Orange has obtained an advance copy of the ad, which opens with the president somberly addressing a cabinet meeting. “I think the time has come for America to address the canal problem.” “The Panama Canal?” asks a cabinet member. “No,” says the president. “The Suez Canal?” asks another. “No,” replies the president, “I mean the anogenital canal!”

Michael can be reached at Michael@zestoforange.com.

By Michael Kaufman

Results of a new Harris poll reveal just how successful the hatemongers of the far right have been in influencing the thinking of rank and file Republicans. High percentages of Republicans polled agreed with statements that President Obama is “racist,” “anti-American,” “wants the terrorists to win,” and “wants to turn the sovereignty of the United States to a one-world government.” Many agreed that the president is a “domestic enemy,” the same term used by Marine Lance Corporal Kody Bittingham last year in his letter of intent to assassinate the president. Bittingham called his plan “Operation Patriot.”

I was particularly struck by the news that 38 percent of Republicans agree that Obama is “doing many of the things that Hitler did.”  The attempt to link Obama with Hitler came to the fore early in the “tea party” events and in the organized disruptions of local town hall meetings on health care. When followers of Lyndon LaRouche came to Warwick last year to petition against health care reform, their heavy handed use of Nazi imagery, including a doctored photo depicting Obama arm in arm with the Nazi Fuhrer, sparked outrage among many local residents. But many others gladly signed their petitions, donated money, and honked their horns in approval as they drove by. Robert Krahulik, a leading Republican honcho in Warwick, was compelled to write a letter to the editor of one of the local weekly newspapers denying a link to the activities. Another letter is in order now.

Let us be clear: Whether one agrees or disagrees with health care reform, the likening of Obama’s policies to Hitler’s is so outrageous as to be almost beyond words. Not surprisingly, the less-educated the Republican, the more likely he is to agree with the preposterous statements. Thus, a brief lesson on health care in Hitler’s Germany seems worthwhile. Thanks to Michael J. Franzblau, M.D., for providing the information that follows.

By the time Hitler came to power in 1933 there were already 23 chairs of “racial hygiene” in German Universities. As early as 1908 one of the “fathers” of the racial hygiene theory, Dr. Eugen Fischer, became so  concerned that German settlers in West Africa were cohabiting with native women and producing babies of mixed race that he got the German government to revoke the citizenship rights of the German settlers. He also published an article suggesting that the children were basically inferior and should be given only the barest of economic support, with the hope that they would die. Fischer would go on to play a significant role in the continuing evolution of racial hygiene and its place in German  health care for the next 30 years.

Under Hitler, racial hygiene became the basis for many laws. The first, passed in 1933, required all members of the federal government to be Aryans. All Jews who held government jobs had to leave public service.  The second was the Law for the Prevention of Genetically Diseased Offspring. It mandated the sterilization of all Aryan Germans who had schizophrenia, bipolar-disorder, Huntington’s Chorea, intractable epilepsy, chronic alcoholism, or “asocial behavior” (opposition to the Nazi Party). The basis for the law was “negative eugenics,” a plan to discourage procreation among those who were viewed as a threat to the purity of the sacred German germplasm.

All physicians were required to report patients meeting the criteria to a central authority. Loyal Nazi physicians sitting on genetic health courts then ordered the sterilizations. Approximately 250 of these courts were established. The sterilizations were carried out in local hospitals throughout Germany (with no record of opposition from the German Medical Association). The program lasted six years, during which 400,000 Aryan Germans were sterilized and 2,000 died. The program ended in 1939 in spite of the pleas of Fischer and other racial hygienists that it not stop until approximately 15 percent of the Germans were sterilized.

Next came the infamous Nuremburg laws to ensure racial purity, one of which forbade Aryans to have sexual relations with Jews.  German physicians became expert witnesses and some made a good living testifying as to the racial origins of their clients on the basis of physiognomy. This became a subject in medical schools and in continuing medical education courses for German doctors.

A national campaign was instituted to encourage more Aryan births. As an incentive, any woman giving birth to eight or more children was awarded a gold medal; if she gave birth to six she received a silver medal; and for four, a bronze.

Meanwhile, as Hitler and his cronies planned for the conquest of Europe, they worried that there would be inadequate hospital facilities to care for wounded German soldiers. Hence was born the T-4 Program, so named because it was drafted at Tiergartenstrasse 4. T-4 was a carefully conceived plan to kill all inmates in German mental institutions who could not work for the Fatherland.  The phrases “Useless Eaters” and “Lives Not Worth Living” were effectively used to convince the medical profession, and the general public, that this form of “euthanasia” was in the best interest of the nation. In addition, Aryan German children with severe birth defects or disabilities were included in the program.

Organization of the T-4 program required the resources of the national German government, local health officers and physicians generally, who had to report the mental patients or children who met the criteria. The decision to kill the adults was made in Berlin by three eminent psychiatrists reviewing questionnaires sent to them from all over Germany. The children were selected in the same manner by three pediatricians.

The program was well planned. Six “Healing Centers” were established throughout Germany. Transportation by bus or rail was provided. The methods of killing included starvation, phenol and alcohol cardiac injections, and carbon monoxide gas delivered in hermetically sealed rooms built to simulate shower rooms. Volunteer physicians were involved in the process at every step of the way.

When the T-4 program ended, 400,000 inmates of mental institutions were killed, as were between 70,000 and 200,000 children. Heinrich Himmler, who as head of the S.S. was responsible for the programs, was pleased.

The T-4 program can be viewed as the research and development program for the mass exterminations of Jews and others in concentration camps in Poland and Germany that followed. Many of the same physicians, nurses, and technicians who participated in the T-4 Program were transferred to the East in the early 1940’s to use their skills in mass extermination.

Any comparison between these Nazi atrocities and health care reform in the United States is obscene. Anyone who says President Obama is doing “many of the things that Hitler did” is an uneducated moron. The Harris poll tells us there are a lot of them out there.  I wonder how many have guns.

Michael can be reached at michael@zestoforange.com.

By Michael Kaufman

Before Jim Bunning became the “Republican moron from Kentucky” –as Bob Gaydos aptly described him in a recent Zest post–he was one hell of a major league pitcher.  Bunning was the first man since the legendary Cy Young to win more than 100 games and strike out more than 1,000 batters in both leagues.  When he retired in 1971 his 2,855 career strikeouts were second only to Walter Johnson’s 3,508.

In 1957 he was a 20-game winner with the American League Detroit Tigers, for whom he pitched from 1955-1963. After a disappointing 1963 season the Tigers traded him, along with veteran catcher Gus Triandos, to the Phildelphia Phillies for pitcher Jack Hamilton and outfielder Don Demeter. Hamilton and Demeter accomplished little with the Tigers. Bunning went on to assure his place in the Hall of Fame.

In 1965 he topped the National League in shutouts with five and he led the league in that department again in 1967 with six. He was a 19-game winner for three straight years, 1964-1966.

I still have my ticket stub from June 21, 1964, when he pitched a perfect game for the Phillies against the New York Mets on a sunny Fathers Day afternoon at Shea Stadium. At 33  he was in the midst of his first season in the National League.  In the late innings the crowd was roaring on every pitch. Mets fans had little to cheer about in those days but on this day they were rooting for Bunning to finish pitching the first perfect game in the National League in 84 years.

When it was over we stood and cheered, “We want Bunning!” Minutes went by but he and his teammates had long disappeared into the dressing room. “We want Bunning!” we chanted even louder. No one left the stadium. Finally, after a few minutes more, he emerged from the dugout and acknowledged our cheers.

Bunning was no right-wing yahoo back then. A graduate of Xavier University in Cincinnati, where he received a bachelor’s degree in economics, he was a leading force in the Major League Players’ Association and served on the union’s Pension Committee. His degeneration into someone who would block the extension of unemployment benefits to hundreds of thousands of jobless American workers is an embarrassment even to his fellow Republicans.

FROM THE VIRTUAL MAILBAG — Thanks to Jack and Peter for their comments on last week’s post. “As significant in the situation as the casual anti-Semitism of the local sports organization (no one would play games on Sunday, or Christian holidays, lesser incorrect religions of course cannot be similarly accommodated) is the fact that Orthodox Judaism, fasting, religious holidays, religion in general and its rules and conventions are all (expletive deleted) and should not be allowed to be taught to/imposed on children,” wrote Jack. “I mean, if a Sikh institution has a team, will their players be allowed to carry iron knives in the game?  It’s part of their religion, after all.  I can’t wait for the Islamic Fundamentalist High School Houris wanting to play basketball in full chador…” Don’t hold back, Jack.

“Good for the girls,” wrote Peter.  “What is the matter with people, anyway?  Make nothing into a big deal.  Those kids showed so much class.” Thanks, Peter, and as Ted Mack used to say, “Keep those cards and letters coming in.”

Michael can be reached at michael@zestoforange.com.

By Michael Kaufman

Last Thursday afternoon, a group of Jewish high-school girls in the state of Washington gave the adults in the state a lesson in sportsmanship and brotherhood… or maybe sisterhood would be a better word. The girls, members of the Mercer Island Northwest Yeshiva girls basketball team, walked onto the court at the SunDome in Yakima for a scheduled playoff game in the Washington state tournament. They shook hands with the members of the opposing team, St. John-Endicott…. and walked off the court, forfeiting the game

That Thursday was a fast day for many observant Jews, the “Fast of Esther,” the day before the holiday of Purim. The girls would go without both food and water until sundown. When their request to change the game time was denied, officials of the small, 95-student Orthodox Jewish high school near Seattle decided to forfeit.
 
“We didn’t think it was safe for the team to play without water,” explained Rabbi Bernie Fox, the school’s head. Thus, the first team from a Jewish school to qualify for the state tournament became the first team in state history to forfeit a postseason game. Northwest Yeshiva was aware of the potential scheduling conflict when the initial playoff draw was announced. Had they won their first tournament game earlier in the week, the conflict would have been avoided. But they lost to Sunnyside Christian, putting them into the consolation bracket.
 
Yeshiva officials contacted the Washington Interscholastic Activities Association (WIAA) prior to the first game to offer suggestions to resolve any logistics problems involved in the potential rescheduling.
 
“We came up with possibilities that we hoped might be a win-win for all involved,” Fox said. He said the school offered to play the game Thursday evening at an alternate venue and offered to help defray the financial costs of moving the game. Another option was to play the game that evening on St. John-Endicott’s home court. But the WIAA said changing the game would cause too much disruption in the rest of the playoff schedule.
 
“As to the request that, could we do some rescheduling to deal with this particular issue, that would negatively impact the schedule for all 31 of the other teams involved,” said Mike Colbrese, WIAA executive director, in an interview with the Yakima Herald-Republic. He did not explain just how holding a game on the same date could possibly have a deleterious effect on the schedule for the other 31 teams. 
 
“And if we were to go off-site with (any rescheduling),” he continued, “we’ve basically taken both teams out of their schedule and they end up playing their game at night, not in the afternoon. And they’re also not getting that state tournament experience, which is really what the whole thing is about.”

By that he meant that the two teams would not be playing in the SunDome, Yakima’s answer to Madison Square Garden. After all, the SunDome is the home of the Yakima Valley Warriors. I had to go to the Warriors home page to learn that they are a professional indoor arena football team. Their next big home game is scheduled for April 3 against the Wenatchee Valley Venom. Other events coming soon to the SunDome are a WWE professional wrestling “Smackdown” and the Professional Bull Riders Touring Pro Division. Speaking of bull riding, Colbrese’s explanation is pure bullspit. 
 
“It left us in an awkward situation,” Fox said. “We felt that if we could not reschedule the game, we would at least show good sportsmanship.” So Northwest Yeshiva contacted St. John-Endicott about setting up a meeting on the court instead. The Thursday afternoon handshake was the result.
 
“St. John-Endicott was very appreciative,” said Fox. “They conducted themselves with perfect sportsmanship.”
 
It remains to be seen whether Northwest Yeshiva will be sanctioned by the WIAA for its actions. Colbrese told reporters that potential sanctions will not be discussed until later this month. However, he added, “the board is under no obligation to sanction Northwest Yeshiva.” How kind of him. 
 
The Fast of Esther isn’t exactly Yom Kippur and the Northwest Yeshiva girls are not Sandy Koufax….but there are some similarities between the stand taken by the team and the Hall of Fame pitcher’s refusal to pitch the first game of the 1965 World Series. “We worked really hard to get here, to qualify for state,” said sophomore player Julia Owen. “But we’re also very happy to be able to show that our religion is very important to us. Although it’s hard because it would be great to get the chance to continue, we’re not wishing we could ignore the fast and play, because observing the fast is important.”
 
“Whether you’re in a public school or religious school, you want kids to gather not just knowledge, but values to guide decisions in life,” added Fox. “This was a situation where the team was challenged to do that — to prioritize. And they felt that as important as this basketball tournament was, they couldn’t compromise their personal values. I’m very proud of them.” And so, I suspect, are many others across the country, be they secular or religious, Jewish or non-Jewish. The shame lies with the closet anti-Semites of the WIAA.

Michael can be reached at Michael@zestoforange.com.

By Michael Kaufman

So the snowboarding kid from New Hampshire gets sent home after sexually suggestive photographs appear on the Internet, while skier Julia Mancuso hawks her “Kiss My Tiara” lingerie line on her official Web site and Sports Illustrated posts 45 pictures of skier Lindsey Vonn posing in Vancouver in an array of skimpy bikinis. Granted, the two sexy skiers are alone in their respective photos and not involved in any simulated Lewinsky-like activity, but there is still something wrong with this picture…or rather, these pictures.

I am not defending Scotty Lago’s behavior here. But, as The New York Times reported, he seemed genuinely remorseful. “I’m sorry for the pictures,” he said. “I’m sorry to the American public that I offended. I was out celebrating. It happened so quick.” Unlike Mancuso and Vonn, he received no money for his appearance in the racy photos (nor did the young woman with him).

This is but one of the many contradictions that come to mind as the Winter Games continue this week. There is no denying the grace, skill, and courage of most of those world-class athletes assembled in Vancouver. It is a pleasure to watch them compete at this level in pursuit of excellence in their respective events. (And just as an aside, I am pleased to report that after watching many Olympic Games in my lifetime, I think I finally understand curling.)

But as I watched the men’s hockey game the other night between the United States and Canada I thought about another great U.S. Olympic athlete…not a hockey player, not even a winter Olympian. I thought about Jim Thorpe. That is because every man on the ice for both teams was a professional player from the National Hockey League. Even the referees were NHL professionals. The Olympics have been allowing professional athletes to compete for a while now, so it was no surprise. It all dates back to the late Cold War years and the International Olympic Committee’s response to complaints that the best athletes from the “Communist bloc” had an unfair advantage because they could compete as amateurs. Still, whenever I see professional athletes in the Olympics I think of Thorpe.

Jim Thorpe competed in the 1912 Olympics in Stockholm, where he won the gold medal in the first modern Olympic decathlon with a score of 8,413 points (a record that would stand for nearly two decades). He also won gold in the pentathlon. He received a special prize for his decathlon performance from King Gustav V of Sweden, who reportedly told him, “You, sir, are the greatest athlete in the world.” Thorpe is said to have replied, “Thanks, King.”

He came home to a ticker-tape parade on Broadway but his celebration was short-lived. In 1913 several newspapers reported the damaging news that he had played professional baseball in 1909 and 1910 and was thus ineligible to compete as an amateur athlete. He played for Rocky Mount in the Eastern Carolina League, where he was paid as little as $2 per game as a semi-pro. In a letter to Edward Sullivan, secretary of the Amateur Athletic Union (AAU), Thorpe said he was unaware that playing semi-pro baseball would affect his amateur eligibility. “I hope I will be partially excused because I was just an Indian schoolboy and did not know about such things,” he wrote. “In fact, I did not know that I was doing wrong because I knew I was doing what several other college men had done, except they did not use their own names.”

Unmoved, the AAU retroactively withdrew his amateur status and requested that the IOC do likewise. Later that year the IOC voted unanimously to strip Thorpe of all his Olympic titles, medals, and awards, and declared him a (gasp) professional.

“Ignorance is no excuse,” said Avery Brundage, president of the U.S. Olympic Committee and later the IOC. Ironically, Brundage was Thorpe’s Olympic teammate in 1912. But he went on to become a Nazi sympathizer who as late as 1971 claimed that the 1936 Olympic Games in Berlin (often called the “Hitler Olympics”) were “the finest in modern history… I will accept no dispute over that fact.” 

It was not until 1983, 30 years after the death of Jim Thorpe and eight years after the death of Avery Brundage, that the IOC returned Thorpe’s Olympic medals to his name.

Perhaps next time you see professional athletes competing in the Olympics, you too will think of Jim Thorpe.

Michael can be reached at Michael@zestoforange.com.

By Michael Kaufman

The Olympics Games just aren’t the same without the Cold War. I miss hearing American athletes complain about getting jobbed by East German judges…. What ever happened to all those East German judges anyway? Did they get punished or reprimanded after German unification? Were they allowed to continue being judges?… NBC could do a nice human interest story on the subject during the Vancouver games, maybe interview a couple of former East German judges and get some pithy quotes. “I miss seeing that disappointed look on their faces when they saw the scores I gave them…”

Meanwhile, Chairman Mao must be spinning in his grave at the sight of the Nike swoosh logo on the uniforms of the Chinese athletes. Consider the irony of children working long hours in sweatshops making Nike shoes in the People’s Republic of China. Or else maybe he is laughing…thinking about all the money the U.S. owes China today…. Speaking of Mao, do you think he minds that they changed his last name posthumously from Tse-tung to Zedong? Older readers will even recall when American newscasters pronounced his first name “Mayo.” I remember watching Nixon’s visit to China on TV and my friend Dominick pointing at the screen and saying, “Look! There’s Mayo.”

Don’t you love the way Scott Hamilton grunts while watching the figure skaters perform? Hamilton, a two-time Olympic gold medalist, provides expert commentary for NBC. He grunts when they do something spectacular and also when they make a terrible mistake. And unless it is something obvious—like falling on their keister—viewers unfamiliar with the intricacies of the sport have no clue what they just witnessed. But even though I don’t know a lutz from a klutz I love the passion Hamilton brings to the job…
 
Hockey is a great game and women’s hockey may have a great future but shouldn’t there be more than two countries with good teams for it to be included in the Olympics? It is hard to watch Canada and the U.S. play anyone but each other. I could play for a couple of those other teams if I wanted to have a sex-change operation and renounce my citizenship.

Already we have heard stories about several athletes so intent on fulfilling their dream to compete in the Olympics that they became citizens of another country. There was that fellow from Australia who is actually Canadian (I’m sorry: I haven’t been a sportswriter for years and I don’t know the names like I used to) who finished second in the mogul skiing competition.

That reminds me, what, exactly, do they mean by “mogul?” I looked it up in the dictionary to see if there is a reference to skiing anywhere. I learned some interesting things about the origin of the word, but it pretty much means what I thought. Come to think of it, that might be an interesting Olympic sport after all. Imagine Donald Trump or Warren Buffet skiing for the U.S. against the top business magnates from around the world.

Then there is this Japanese girl who at age 16 wrote to the famous Russian skating coach because she wanted to train with her. She moved to Russia, renounced her Japanese citizenship, trained with the famous coach, Russianized her name, and has now fulfilled her dream of skating in the Olympics. The downside is she isn’t big in Japan.

Big in China (and now the U.S. thanks to NBC) is the married couple that has slept in separate dormitories for 18 years while training to become world-class figure skaters. They too have fulfilled their dream.

Personally, I think they are all a little meshugena (Pronunciation: (mu-shoog’u-nu), n. Slang. a crazy person. Also,me•shug’ga.

Michael can be reached at michael@zestoforange.com.

By Michael Kaufman

As newspapers across the country are continuing to drop like flies, the people now running the Times Herald-Record are doing their darnedest to win back readers and woo advertisers. In case you missed them, here are just a few of the steps they have taken in recent months to upgrade the paper.

They expanded the comics section by a full page after polling readers as to which comic strips they like best…and least. Sadly, Beetle Bailey and Prince Vailant didn’t make the cut. I haven’t read either in decades, but I found it comforting to glance at the familiar characters on the page. They will be missed.  

Another recent innovation was the expansion of the television listings, a much-needed service for those readers too busy to wait for the schedule to scroll into view on their TV screens.

But they missed the boat–or should I say the car or motorcycle–by not adding another page to the wildly popular “My Ride” section. Readers would like nothing better than to see more photos of people standing next to their prized classic cars and Harley-Davidsons. I especially like the pictures of the little kiddies at the wheel of their miniature cars. I think readers would also like to see some pictures of the family pets with the cars.

And what were they thinking when they told Barbara Bedell she can no longer run group pictures if the peoples’ faces aren’t at least as large as a dime? As she has correctly pointed out (several times now) in her column, this limits the number of people who can appear in a group photo. To include an entire group she may have to run several photos with just a few members each. This will mean less room for text. I am surprised that the powers that be at the paper have not figured out the obvious solution: Give Barbara Bedell another page!

After all, there probably isn’t much news to report anyway, at least as far as I can tell from reading the Record. One of the biggest stories in the news section of Sunday’s paper was about the restoration of the Glenmere Mansion in Chester, now taking reservations as a luxury bed-and-breakfast. It said the owners spent $30 million to restore the place, built in 1911, to its original splendor, “as well as to create an upscale destination meant for the wealthiest and most distinguished of New York’s upper crust.” 

“Polish master craftsmen restored the original ironwork balustrades and decorative wood molding; a Ukrainian artist painstakingly transferred a wall mural to canvas; and a famous modern landscape architect is in the process of recreating the gardens, designed by Beatrix Jones Farrand, America’s first female landscape architect and niece of novelist Edith Wharton.” Pretty swell, huh?

“I think there’s a real need for a high-end place to have dinner with a significant other, as well as to spend a night,” said Laura Bremer, a public relations specialist. She said the idea is to make the extra cost worth it for customers, especially in a tight economy. “People want to be taken away, and in this house, you really feel like you’re in Tuscany,” she said.

The article notes that modern luxuries of the bed-and-breakfast include a “sumptuous 1,250-square-foot penthouse on a private third floor, priced at $3,400 a night; custom-made Italian linens; radiant Italian marble floors in every bathroom; gas fireplaces next to every bed and some baths; high definition, flat-screen TVs; and gorgeous views…”

If that is a little too upper crust for you…not to worry! “Despite its luxuries, the prices remain on par with high-end hotels in the metro New York area. A night’s stay starts at $550, dinner for two in the Supper Room averages $100-$200, and one can still grab a burger, fries and a beer for under $40 at the bar…”  Gee, thanks.

I wish them luck but it seems to me that if someone has $3,400 or even $550 to spend on a night in a hotel room that will make them feel like they are in Tuscany, they’d may as well go to Tuscany, not Chester. (They’ll know for sure they’re not in Tuscany if they visit the nearby Brotherhood or Kedem wineries and taste any of the wines.)

On the same page as the Glenmere Mansion article was a “News Brief” that I’m sure was of tremendous interest to readers in the Mid-Hudson Valley: A 16-year-old matador in Caceres, Spain, killed six bulls in one day. Maybe they’re contemplating expanded bullfight coverage.  Don’t laugh: It makes about as much sense as what they’ve done so far.

Michael can be reached at  michael@zestoforange.com.

By Michael Kaufman

A couple of weeks ago I got an intriguing email from the Santa Anita racetrack titled, “Special Holiday Racing on MLK Jr. Day at Santa Anita Park.” I wondered just how the West Coast’s premier thoroughbred track would commemorate the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. After all, Dr. King gave his life fighting for equality, social justice, a living wage for working people, and an end to war. It seemed a bit of a stretch … and I don’t mean the one the horses come down at the end of the race.

I read on: “All THOROUGHBREDS™ members in attendance, who scan their card at Santa Anita Park on January 18, will receive the Santa Anita Collectible Beer Bucket, with paid admission, while supplies last. Put your favorite drinks on ice wherever you go.” There’s a picture of a nifty looking ice bucket, decorated with a scenic photo of the Santa Anita track, with blue sky and mountains in the background and the track logo in the center. Four bottles of Budweiser beer, nestled in ice, protrude from the bucket.

It seemed an odd way to acknowledge the holiday, but I guess it was better than giving away a Martin Luther King Commemorative Beer Bucket. “If you are not a THOROUGHBREDS™ member and would like to receive this amazing 75th Anniversary Ice Bucket,” continued the email, “visit the Main Thoroughbreds Center when arriving at Santa Anita Park on Martin Luther King Jr. Day… It is free to sign up. Must be 18 years or older to be a THOROUGHBREDS™ member.” Darn! I was hoping they would tell me how to obtain one of those amazing buckets via email even though, for the record,  I am not now (nor have I ever been) a card-carrying member of THOROUGHBREDS™ and I don’t have a card to scan. (I don’t even know what THOROUGHBREDS™ is.)

They had me anyway: Holiday racing at a major track is usually a treat for horseplayers because it means there will be plenty of graded stakes and allowance races on the card. So I checked out the King Day entries at Santa Anita, hoping they might even have a couple of races suitably named for the occasion: The Rosa Parks Sprint, perhaps, or maybe a distance race called the Selma-to-Montgomery Handicap. 

But it was just a typical Monday program, consisting mostly of cheap maiden (non-winners) and claiming horses. The only stakes race was the 58th running of the Grade II San Marcos Stakes. Nevertheless, I decided to celebrate King Day by eschewing my usual handicapping style, which consists of poring over pages of data before making the wrong selections, and instead choosing the one horse in each race that most reflected the spirit of the holiday. Using this method I was able to come up with picks for seven of the nine races.

Just to give you an idea of the quality of the races we are talking about here: the first was a claiming race for older fillies and mares that were winless in 2009 (and thus far in 2010), the second included only older horses that hadn’t won two races in their lives, the third was an even cheaper maiden claiming race for older horses that had never won a single race, etc.

My seven picks began with Cherie’s Dream in the first, Free Lunch in the second, and Justice Reigns in the third. It was a tough call in race four between Seize Power and Ready for Change. But I think of Dr. King as more of a ready-for-change kind of guy than a power seizer so in the end I opted for Ready for Change. Then it was Victory With Honor in the sixth and High Court Drama in the seventh (the featured San Marcos Stakes). I finished with Jesse’s Soul in the ninth.

So how did I do? I broke even of course. Here is the press release:
 
MONDAY RACING CANCELLED AT SANTA ANITA, TRACK, WEATHER CONDITIONS CITED
ARCADIA, Calif. (Jan. 18, 2010)—Live racing has been cancelled for Monday at Santa Anita due to wet track conditions and the certainty of continued heavy rain throughout the afternoon.

Oh well. They will just have to save those amazing beer buckets for the King Day giveaway next year. Or maybe they can use them next Hiroshima Day in August.

Michael can be reached at Michael@zestoforange.com.