Spelling Counts (and Listen to Miss Borg)
By Beth Quinn
Apparently school is starting up again. I know this because I see mothers arguing with their teenagers at the mall about the relative merits of exposing their belly buttons (in the case of the girls) or their butt cracks (boys).
I also know this because I’m teaching a couple of night classes at OCCC, something I’ve done for the past quarter century or so. I love teaching college freshmen, but I find that I often must repeat the same rules every semester, such as, “You need paper.”
I suspect every teacher in the land has a litany of back-to-school rules that they’ve been repeating since the Ice Age. So do parents. And, speaking on behalf of taxpayers and the general citizenry, there are also a few rules we’d like to suggest.
To that end, I hereby offer a brief course that I call “Back To School 101: A Primer on How to Reduce Everyone’s Irritation With You.”
The highlights are as follows:
The fact that it is your birthday does NOT mean you don’t have to go to school.
When you get off the bus, yes, look both ways twice before crossing. But then could you move your rear end a little faster to get to the other side? I’ve been stuck behind your bus for an hour now.
Better yet, walk to school. If you’re old enough to cross the street by yourself and you live within three miles, walk. It’s good for you, it will help you lose weight, and it gives you times to switch from home-brain to school-brain.
You’re weird, too. Really. So don’t make fun of the weird kids.
If you’re assigned to write a 500-word essay, the length is a requirement, not a suggestion. Don’t write 300 words, don’t write 1,000. Just follow directions.
In fact, following directions is the secret to life, really. Most directions aren’t complicated, and they aren’t meant to trick you. Following them doesn’t mean you’re part of the herd, even though you are. (Just look at how you’re dressed and compare that to how everyone else your age is dressed.)
Speaking of clothes, buy off the sales rack. Your parents are broker than they were last year.
While you’re at it, buy clothes that are a) comfortable and b) won’t get you sent home to change into something decent.
Spelling counts.
So do apostrophes.
Piercing your tongue interferes with diction. If you don’t know what diction is, look it up. You can find the word diction in the diction-ary.
Don’t crack your gum, don’t roll your eyes at your teacher, bring a pen, take notes, pick up your feet when you walk, don’t blame someone else, smile, sit up straight, raise your hand before you talk, don’t run in the hall, consider the carrot sticks instead of the chips.
AND TURN OFF THAT CELL PHONE!
OK, that’s almost it. This is a short list because you’re still in your summer torpor (look it up), and I don’t want to give you brain shock.
But there is one further bit of advice I’d like to pass on. It’s something that my old health/gym teacher, Harriet Borg, instructed my health class when I was in 9th grade at Washingtonville High School. I must confess it stunned me when I heard her say these words out loud:
Leave yourself plenty of time in the morning for a bowel movement.
It’s true that I failed to appreciate Miss Borg’s wisdom when I was 14. But now, at the age of 60, I consider it among the most sensible and sound pieces of advice I’ve ever been offered.
I realize that today’s teenagers might well be inclined to ignore me just as I ignored Miss Borg, but I suspect it would vastly improve the atmosphere in the building if everyone took a crap before going to school in the morning.
Beth can be reached at beth@zestoforange.com.
Tags: Beth Quinn
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Miss Borg gave good advice!!!
September 3rd, 2009 at 12:42 pm
HI!
all that you say is great advice for a freshmen.
but i am worried that kids must be advised this way to get started.
30 years ago this was common sense to me.
i may make a spelling or typing error or two or three but i always brought a pen and paper.
it seems to me kids are less intelligent now a days.
you have to come to school AND work prepared.
i am annoyed with facilitators that do not require this.
give yourself enough time for a bowel movement.
that IS good advice.
my mom gave it to me and i have always followed it and never regretted it.
it clears your mind as well as your body for thinking and acting.
can’t score a goal when nature calls.
can’t come up with that fantastic revolutionary idea in a boring meeting if the only thing on your mind is your full bowel.
the advice should be extended to the work environment.
i worked in a place with 26 women and 1 man.
ONE BATHROOM.
this guy NEVER made his deposits at home and enjoyed sticking up the place every morning.
the more we gagged and complained the more he amused he was.
you just wanted to scream at him: take your dumps at home. you pig!
but it did not matter.
a perfect example of getting away with disgusting habits because it is not what you know but who you know.
and while we are on it, TAKE A BATH.
that will make you more socially acceptable.
this gut never took a bath and wore wool sweaters.
i learned my lesson and i never stay quite.
in the work environment abuse like this does not have to be taken.
so be prepared.
bring a pen and paper and deodorant.
i hope this comment amuses someone.
from one who admires your writing, have a good day.
zircon.
September 3rd, 2009 at 7:11 pm
As a teacher I appreciate your trying to help. I use your apostrophe posse as a backup to why I’m such a stickler for correct punctuation. All these other tips I think my students will give a small chuckle to, but I can’t wait to see their response to your gym teacher’s advice! It does make so much sense!