By Jeffrey PageThere’s no end to reports of significant dopiness in the morning paper, and this is what occasionally happens. You see a story under a headline blaring stupidity and you give it a read. Your first response: This can’t be right. So you read it again. And guess what: It’s right.

Case in point. I came across this headline in the Cape Cod Times last week. “Police: Prostitutes hold pooch for payment.”

It seems a guy hired two women from an “escort service,” but didn’t pay them, which is not to say there was no charge. Having received no payment for professional services rendered, the women reportedly made off with Ladybug, a Yorkshire terrier owned by the man’s mother, who is 84 and who loves that Yorkie dearly. When she grew most upset over the disappearance of her dog, the son went after it and was told by the women that it would cost $1,000 to get Ladybug back.

Later, in true free-market zeal, the women said Ladybug’s ransom had just been increased to $2,500.

The most amusing part of the story was the man’s claim that while he had engaged the services of escorts in the past, he had no professional connection with the women who were holding his mom’s dog.

This had not been resolved by the time I left to return home.

* * *

Here’s a case you might have seen a while back about a judge in Pennsylvania – no, not the one who’s doing 28 years in prison for sending young defendants to a privately run jail from which he received almost $1 million; what is it with some of these Pennsylvania judges? – but the one from District Court in the Village of Intercourse who was charged with disorderly conduct for handing out little trinkets to show what a witty guy he is.

The Associated Press and local papers reported that he jammed condoms into acorns that he had hollowed out – you with me on this? – and then presented the stuffed acorns to women in the state capital of Harrisburg. The judge, 18 years on the bench, said it was meant to be a joke. He was charged with violating judicial conduct standards, Reuters reported.

The judge said he meant no offense. Reuters noted that, as he handed the acorns to women passersby, he told them: “They make a nice afternoon snack, try them. I’ll be here tomorrow. Let me know what you think.”

The unintentional joke was played out in court when a panel of judges dismissed the charges against their fellow judge.

* * *

But never mind free-market escorts and a judge with a wild and crazy sense of humor. Check out Jeffery Jones of Paterson, N.J.

In the grim days following Hurricane Irene, Jones was a busy man. Irene had been merciless in her visit to Paterson, the third largest city in the state and among the poorest, and Jones was putting in long hours and helping where he could.
Jones, in fact, is the mayor of Paterson.

As a result, any dictionary editor worth his salt would agree that Jones’ picture could be used to illustrate the word “chutzpah,” the Yiddish word translated in polite circles as “impudence” or “audacity” and “cojones” or “brass balls” in less refined places.
Weren’t the 150,000 Patersonians surprised when The Record reported that, included in the nearly $800,000 in overtime pay given to cops, firefighters, and other municipal workers for their labor during the storm and in its aftermath, was an item of $6,144 paid to Jones.

Not a fiortune, but certain people are always on duty and do not qualify for time-and-a-half. Among them is the president, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and the mayors of just about any American city. You grant premium pay to someone working on a highway project, not to an elected politician.

Chutzpah? Jones’ salary is $120,000 and even he saw the light – after word of his overtime pay appeared in the paper – and reimbursed the $6,144 to the city treasury. He said he had no idea how he got paid for about 100 hours of overtime labor.

jeffrey@zestoforange.com

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