By Michael Kaufman

Is it just me or is this the craziest election season ever? I don’t know whether to laugh or cry when I think about it. It was bad enough when we had a choice between Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Now it’s a choice between Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Worse.  But I am clear about who I will be voting for on November 2 and I think it is not too late to mount an all-out campaign for my candidates.

People have been saying that we need to match the Tea Party crowd in enthusiasm so I’ve come up with some campaign slogans to get the ball rolling:

For any Democratic candidate running anywhere in the country:  “I’m Not a Witch. I’m the Lesser Evil.”

For Andrew Cuomo: “So What If He Took Jonah Mandelbaum’s Dough! At Least He’s Not Carl Paladino!”

For John Hall: “He Spoke for Peace and Voted for War but Nan Hayworth Would Be Worse for Sure!”

But we need more than those if we are going to give the Tea Party a run for their money. People are justifiably angry that their health insurance costs have gone up since the passage of the healthcare reform bill. We need a catchy slogan to convey the message that they would have gone up even more if there had been no reform. I couldn’t think of any. Can you?

If you can think of some catchy campaign slogans on this or any other issue, leave a comment below or send an email and we’ll share it with our readers.

One thing that has intrigued me so far in this campaign is the loud criticism meted out to Representatives John Hall and Maurice Hinchey for obtaining money from the federal government for local projects. Isn’t that a good thing? 

We pay taxes to the federal government, why shouldn’t we get money for local projects? Why is that derided as “pork”? I prefer to think of it as a nice brisket or maybe potato kugel or kasha varnishkes. Come to think of it, I’ll bet you’d never hear anyone say, “Let’s put an end to kasha varnishkes once and for all!” In any case I would much rather see my tax dollars go towards community projects than things like military occupations of countries on the other side of the world that pose no threat to us.

It just seems like it would be against our interests to support candidates who pledge to bring NO money in for community projects because they are against so-called pork. It’s like asking senior citizens to vote for candidates who would “reform” Social Security by privatizing it, raising the retirement age, and/or killing it altogether. The same goes for Medicare. No senior in their right mind would do that.  Or would they? Like I said, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

FROM THE VIRTUAL MAILBAG—Regarding last week’s post wherein I expressed regret for not speaking up when an obnoxious person made bigoted remarks, GENE KAUFMAN (brother of me) wrote: “Dumb(bleep)  bigots will be dumb(bleep)bigots all their lives. Common sense, reasoning,challenges of ‘what if it were you’ and ‘put yourself in someone else’s place,’ even anger and outrage won’t change them, although they might be more discreet about where they sound off.  A response might make you feel better, but then afterward you also go through the  “I shoulda said” phase, wishing you had been more devastating, finding words that  would turn her into a pile of dust.  In the end dumb(bleep) bigots are still dumb(bleep) bigots who can’t help themselves.  People stink. The goal is to be with the people who don’t.” Thanks, bro, but I still think I should have spoken up.

TOM KARLSON agrees with me.  “Yeah. The tell off is the way to go.” Tom also sent a scathing Columbus Day poem that I’ll save for next year.

Reader DEAN of Queens (first to notify us of the death of Billy Loes in July) wrote:   “My family grew up with Billy back in Astoria, Queens. Since he was an only child, and had no family at the time of his death, my wife and I were among the first to be notified here in Queens by a public fiduciary in Arizona, where he resided until he passed….Finally after two weeks, they settled; his body was cremated and sent back to NY. The NY Times was notified thereafter. May he rest in peace…enjoy the memories!

MARCO RIBEIRO left this comment below the posting at the Zest site:  “My first wife’s aunt married Billy Loes, and so I got to know him. I grew up in Maryland, so I was an avid Baltimore Orioles fan, and was thrilled that I actually got to know a former Oriole. Of course, Billy was much more famous as a Brooklyn Dodger. What I can say about Billy is that he was very modest and had a great sense of humor. He was full of funny stories. Here’s one: Billy told me that he was pitching one game where there was a very attractive lady fan wearing a short skirt sitting at the railing right near first base. She kept crossing and uncrossing her legs. The first baseman was distracted by her antics, and when Billy made a good throw to the first baseman to hold the runner, the ball flew right past the first baseman because he was staring at the foxy lady instead of paying attention to the game. The runner advanced to second base, and a minute later the official scorer’s decision flashed up on the scoreboard:  Error 1 (meaning the error was charged to the pitcher and not the first baseman). Billy shook his head and yelled up to the press box (where the official scorer sat), ‘What the hell? Are you staring at her too?!’ Billy always said some of the quotes attributed to him were not true….that he was not into bad mouthing anyone…Billy gave me a ‘Salute to the 1985 LA Dodgers’ Lite Beer mug, and I still treasure it. He was a great guy.” Thanks, Marco. As Dean said, enjoy the memories. 

Michael can be reached at michael@zestoforange.com.

Tags: Michael Kaufman

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