By Michael Kaufman

When Claude Pepper died in 1989, Horace B. Deets, executive director of the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), said it would be hard to find an advocate for the rights of older Americans who could replace the feisty Florida Congressman. ”There really isn’t anyone on the American political landscape who could step into Claude Pepper’s shoes,” said Deets.

The current version of AARP serves to prove his point. Instead of vigorously promoting the ideals of Claude Pepper (such as universal health care), the AARP now offers its 35-million members advice to the lovelorn from Dr. Pepper!  That would be Dr. Pepper Schwartz, described as “AARP’s sex and relationship expert,” who has written 16 books on the dating habits and sensuality of couples and singles. I know this because I am a member of AARP and I got an email from the organization last week with a subject line that grabbed my attention: “Michael, Delicious Burger Recipes!” 

Under “Featured Recipe: Full-Flavored Burgers,” I read, “Bored with the basic burger?” (Not at all. I like basic burgers.) “Jazz up your next meal with our Spicy Turkey Burgers With Pickled Onions, Blue Cheese-Stuffed Bacon Sliders, and Greek-Bison Burgers. Yum!” (Yum? Are you kidding me?  “Yuck” I would say.)

Then I noticed the heading that followed: “Rev Up Your Love Life.” (Okay, vroom, vroom!) “Want to increase your partner’s libido? What about taking a romantic vacation? Get answers to these questions and more on romance and relationships! (Click) “Boomer Dating Advice, Birth Control, Condoms, Painful Sex, Pepper Schwartz, The Naked Truth” (Huh?)

“Pepper Answers Your Questions. Topics covered: Sex with arthritic hips, condoms, initiating sex with a menopausal partner.” (What is this, Geriatric Cosmo? And who is this Pepper anyway?) “Dr. Pepper Schwartz…. Her mission is to improve the lives of aging boomers and the 50+ audience by enhancing their relationships and offering counsel on everything from sex and health issues, to communication and dating as you age.”

My mother taught me not to make fun of people’s names. (I’m doing my best, ma, but Pepper Schwartz? It makes me laugh.) The only other person named Pepper I can recall is Pepper Gomez, a professional wrestler, who appeared on the old “Bedlam From Boston” TV show when I was a kid.

Gomez was called “The Man with the Cast-Iron Stomach” and he once had a match with the legendary Killer Kowalski in which Kowalski was unable to get a grip on that stomach in order to apply his famous “Claw” hold. The frustrated Kowalski then convinced the gullible Gomez to allow him to jump on his stomach from the top of a turnbuckle in the corner of the ring.

Gomez positioned himself flat on his back. Kowalski climbed to the top of the turnbuckle and, villain that he was, promptly jumped on to his neck. Gomez then thrashed about wildly, pointing at his supposedly damaged neck. Had the injury been real and not faked, the Gomez family would have been stuck with some serious medical expenses because professional wrestlers had no health insurance. Gomez was 77 when he died in 2004. Perhaps he was a member of AARP.

So what kind of advice does one get from Pepper Schwartz? Here is one example:

“Q: I have been on a number of dating sites. All the MEN want is someone to cook and clean and wash dirty underwear. NONE of them like baseball. All want to stay at home or watch TV, etc. What happened to men who have a love of life? I am also not supporting someone who sits on his behind all day. If you have any advice for me, just toss it in the ring.”

“A: Where have you been looking: Couchpotatodate.com? Seriously, it might be the way you are picking profiles, because this isn’t my impression of the online-dating world at all. Granted, there are some oddly disconnected characters out there, but they aren’t the majority.

“I really have some chops on your question: Not only am I the relationship expert on one of the larger sites, but the Web is where I found the man I am with now. Before that, when I was 55, I started dating online and fell in love several times with people I regard, even in retrospect, as truly worthy.

“So why aren’t you seeing these guys? I don’t know. Maybe your search criteria isn’t (sic) working for you. Try looking for keywords like “athletic,” “active,” “sports,” “baseball fan,” “independent,” or “hyperactive.” Search for results that filter for guys who like an active life—and aren’t waiting around for Princess Charming to rescue them and set them up in some castle somewhere.”

Where to begin? Am I the only one who sees a few red flags here, in both the question and the answer? I happen to love baseball. I used to be a member of the Baseball Writers Association of America. But frankly, if I were single and I ran into that woman and she asked me if I like baseball, I’d probably just say no. 
 
The burger recipes and advice from Dr. Pepper are followed in the AARP email by “Design & Home Remodeling,” and “Spices That Fight Cancer!”

Last on the list is “What Health Care Reform Means to You.” AARP is paying attention to the wrong Pepper.

Michael can be reached at Michael@zestoforange.com.

Tags: Michael Kaufman

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