A Rare Gift of Hip Poetry
By Michael Kaufman
Still searching for that perfect holiday gift for your favorite hipster? Have I got a book for you! The only trouble is that it was published in 1993 and it may not be so easy to find. I just checked on Amazon and there were only two copies listed (1 New and 1 Used).
Nevertheless, it is one of my all-time favorite books. It’s The Opus of Everything in Nothing Flat by Mikhail Horowitz and it is composed of 23 jazz poems and selcted performance pieces, including the likes of “Hitman Haiku,” “Litany of the Dead,” and “Howl for Casey.” But this is the one that sent me to the bookshelf for purposes of this post:
There’s No Noel There
if Gertrude Stein had written A Visit From St. Nicholas
The night before Xmas was the night before Xmas and
we were staying where we stayed when we stayed at Xmastime. And in this place, where we stayed when we
stayed where we were staying at Xmastime, we heard
suddenly with much struggling, a clatter, we heard
suddenly with much struggling a great clatter, the sound
of something being clatter, on the roof of this place
where we stayed when we stayed where we were staying
at Xmastime, and we knew that this clatter was a great
one. This one was certainly a great clatter, this one was
certainly clearly expressing something. So we sprang
from our beds at the sound of this clatter, to see what
was the matter with this clatter, to see if the matter was
a great one, since the clatter was a great one, since the
clatter was quite certainly a great one on the roof of this
place where we stayed when we stayed where we were
staying at Xmastime. And we were listening again and
again to reindeer, doing what they were doing on the
roof of this place where we were staying, and we
certainly heard them, and they were quite certainly the
source of the clatter, and the clatter was quite certainly
a great clatter, one that was greatly expressing some-
thing. And it was greatly expressing something being strug-
gling. And there was one who was with the reindeer, and he
too was greatly expressing something being struggling, and he
was doing what he was doing with a great sack on his back,
alack. And he was doing what he was doing with the reindeer.
And the reindeer were doing what they were doing on the roof,
and what they were doing was excreting something.
We did not want them to be doing what they were doing on
the roof of this place where we were staying, so we shot them.
And we shot the one who was struggling with them, and we
shot him again and again. And we were quite certainly clearly
expressing something.
Michael can be reached at michael@zestoforange.com.
Tags: Michael Kaufman
December 18th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
ADDENDUM FROM MIKHAIL HOROWITZ
Just for the record (and not the Times-Herald variety), “The Opus of Everything in Nothing Flat” is still available at The Golden Notebook in Woodstock; or directly from the publisher (Outloud/Red Hill, PO Box 104, Claryville, NY 12725); or directly from me (horowitz@bard.edu) or at any of my gigs, or from the trunk of my car.
And the Gertrude Stein piece has been slightly amended — the ending now reads,
And we shot the one who was struggling with them, and we shot him again and again. And he was no longer struggling; he was no longer being struggling. And we were quite certainly clearly expressing something. For you see in gay Paree, merry merry Xmas is a cherry not a berry.
Here’s hoping you guys enjoy a few moments of prerecession merriment and postforeclosure conviviality over the next couple of weeks. Keep them home fires burning.