If It Walks Like a Pig …
By Beth Quinn
If you’re confused about what swine flu is, what the symptoms are, how serious it is, whether or not you should get a shot, whether or not a shot is available, whether or not the shot will kill you faster than the flu, well … I’m here to help.
The following is informational information about swine flu of which I’ve been informed.
Regular flu is more dangerous than swine flu.
Swine flu is more dangerous than regular flu.
A sore throat is the first sign of swine flu.
Puking is the first sign of swine flu.
You never puke with swine flu. If you’re puking, you’ve got regular flu.
Or food poisoning.
Only pregnant women die from swine flu.
The unborn preborns are completely protected from swine flu even if their soon-to-be mothers have died.
The elderly and children should get the swine flu shot.
Swine flu is more dangerous for middle-aged people and doesn’t hurt the elderly or children.
The swine flu shot is only available to health-care workers.
Pig, also known as Swine Flu
Health-care workers are required to get the swine flu shot.
It would be unconstitutional to require health-care workers to get the swine flu shot.
The swine flu shot isn’t really a shot at all. It’s a squirty thing up the nose.
The squirty thing up the nose is for the regular flu shot.
Swine flu causes autism.
The swine flu shot causes autism.
Kids with autism should definitely get the swine flu shot.
All kids should get the autism shot.
Muscle ache is the first sign of swine flu.
If you have muscle ache, that means you have regular flu.
Swine flu isn’t as contagious as regular flu.
Swine flu is totally contagious and is spread by hand-to-mouth contact.
To avoid swine flu, wash your hands obsessively, until they are raw and bleeding.
Swine flu is an airborne virus, so all that hand washing is senseless if someone just sneezed at you.
Chicken
Regular flu is an avian flu and is carried by birds.
Chickens, mainly.
Pigs started the swine flu but it swiftly spread to chickens and then to flying birds, who carried it around the globe.
You can catch swine flu if you eat undercooked pork.
Never eat a chicken.
A bad headache is an early sign of swine flu.
Or maybe you have a brain tumor.
The swine flu shot is more likely to kill women.
Men are more likely to act like big babies if they get swine flu.
It takes 14 days to recover from swine flu.
It take 2 days to recover from swine flu.
The cough associated with swine flu lasts 6 weeks.
There is no cough associated with swine flu. If you’re coughing, you have regular flu.
When a case of swine flu is reported in a school, the district will shut down for 5 days.
Schools are rarely open anyway, so what difference does it make.
When pigs fly, we're toast.
So there you have it. The final word on swine flu.
Beth can be reached a beth@ZestofOrange.com.
Tags: Beth Quinn
