Another Conservative Lunatic Crybaby

By Beth Quinn

If there is anyone in the world who was probably thrilled at the news of Michael Jackson’s death last week, it had to be Mark Sanford.

Jacko didn’t quite push Jackass off page 1, but his death did divert the markytears1media’s attention from the weepy South Carolina governor for a few minutes.

This is but one of the many thoughts that crossed my mind during the unraveling of the Sanford mystery, taking us from a cover story about a governor who had to get away from it all by hiking naked on the Appalachian Trail to the truth of the matter, which was actually more boring – an affair in Argentina with the lovely Maria.

For some time now, I’ve been trying to pull all of my thoughts about the Sanford affair into a coherent column, completely rendered and held together with an introduction, body and conclusion.  Alas, this has not happened. Instead, I offer you some disparate comments on the matter and trust that some of these very same thoughts have crossed your mind as well.

Sanford’s confession had to be the most tedious public declaration of infidelity I’ve ever heard. It took him 10 minutes of rambling on about his love of nature and his hikes as a young lad to get to the meat of the thing. Presumably, he thought the public felt more miffed about the Appalachian Trail lie than about his being AWOL and having an affair, and he wanted to explain that he really DOES love that darned old trail and wasn’t cheating on IT, anyway.

Or something.

While Conservatives have no corner on the marital infidelity market, it seems that they tend to lean more heavily toward genuine nuttiness. Liberals are more likely to be straight-ahead lyin’, cheatin’ scamps, but at least they aren’t usually booby hatch material. In fact, Sanford provided evidence that he’s a lunatic a few weeks before skipping off to South America when he rejected billions in federal stimulus money on behalf of the good citizens of his state, 12 percent of whom are unemployed and in dire need of some extra cash to put food on the table. His rationale: Well, he hates big government.

But looking at this strictly as an infidelity issue, it’s harder to swallow when a sanctimonious, self-satisfied, two-faced prig cheats on his wife because of all that hypocritical crap he and the rest of the moral vanguard are always screeching about. Sanford was at the forefront back in the day, thumping his Bible and calling for Clinton’s impeachment and carrying on about the sanctity of marriage and the long etcetera list of family values.

Like his fellow prigs – Gingrich, Limbaugh, Ensign, Palin, and the gang – he wants to make standards of behavior for all the rest of us but apparently feels free to ignore his own rules. Until he got caught, anyway. Now he’s all about the Bible once again, using it this time to explain that his fall from grace is like that dude’s in the Old Testament, and now God will holdeth his hand and forgiveth him and he will prayeth that the rest of us may someday see-eth the light as he haseth!

Or something.

Jenny Sanford is the coolest cheated-upon political spouse ever. None of this head-held-high-stand-by-your-man stuff. She told Sanford to kiss off. Publicly. And joked with the press as she did it. As she was leaving to spend some time on her boat, she told a horde of reporters, “I wish we had room on the boat for you all, but we do not.” How cool is THAT!?

Meanwhile, Sanford has described his wife to the press as “absolutely magnanimous and gracious as a wonderful Christian woman.” What a weird thing to say. I wonder what it even means? And what does that make Silda Spitzer?

More evidence that Sanford is actually a lunatic – he now claims he’s a good role model for his four sons. His good role modelhood, he says, is based on the fact that he’s picking himself up by the boot straps and soldiering on instead of being a quitter and resigning like 95 percent of the country thinks he should. What an exemplary example!

He seems to think that this fall from grace is something that happened to him, not something he did. It’s as though he’s one of Mark Madoff’s innocent victims but now he vows that, like Scarlett, he WILL survive and never eat turnips again!

Or something.

Beth can be reached at


8 Responses to “Another Conservative Lunatic Crybaby”

  1. wynterwynd Says:

    Well,I kind of agree with you.
    I hate super fake moralistic hypocrites who judge others and never judge themselves. One good reasooon why Spitzer was not supported. If he never prosecuted a good whore or john, I could care less.But he did.
    Frankly, I could not give a damn about anybody and their sex live, elected official or not. Frankly, I dont think it’s any of the publics’ business . sometimes it’s good fodder for jokes(the only positive outcome of Clinton’s) but normally, what the hell difference does it make to you?
    When Patterson make it necessary to expose his past liasons. I felt sick. Now I had to picture a previously unpictural male having sex. Then his wife. Nothing that fitted my own sexual fantasies. There must me an internet sex site that would have been better suited.
    Okay. Note. To Politicians. Unless you’re universally hot, or HOT to me. I dont give a damn about who you’ve shtupped lately. Just do the job we pay youto do.

  2. ncangelone Says:

    the only “bright spot” (if there is one) in this whole thing is that the Mrs. is not falling into lock-step stepfordwive-ish fashion like some of the other “loyal wives” (picture a pathetic looking Mrs Spitzer standing behind her “man”) and she’s actually calling her filandering husband a turd…in a nice-sorta way. I love it!

  3. bess Says:

    I love how Conservatives who get caught cheating on their wives immediately have to name-drop Bill Clinton, when all Bill Clinton had to do was BREATHE in the general direction of a doting intern, and she was instantly rendered putty in his hands. I’m not defending him, but he didn’t exactly have to go out of his way.

    Meanwhile, these Republicans (and Spitzer, who is just a moron) have to either pay thousands of dollars to get their rocks off or actually VENTURE OVERSEAS for extra-marital sex. Which is pretty funny, considering the anti-spending, pro-domestic affairs stances they claim to take, politically!

  4. rmelnik Says:

    His comments go hand in hand with his arrogance when he said that it happened and now we’ll see what people learn from it and what he can learn from it. Yes. I discovered that another arrogant blowhard who believes he is his god’s gift to his state had an ego the size of his state and still does.

    I thought his wife had more sense in her sleep than this idiot has at all.

    So now, the Republicans have a few nasty white guys clinging to their guns and bibles, crying about our intelligent president and his policies when they don’t have a clue and lost the edge on morality. Even though they only thought they had the edge.

  5. girlontheedge Says:

    …..and he just keeps digging a deeper hole every time he opens his mouth. Crossing the line…..huh??? He needs to get a one way ticket to Argentina.

  6. FManuele Says:

    Politics and always down and dirty, moreso the higher the office.
    Propagandists are many and reality tv has even made them entertaining, but those that fall for the ethics-in-government line are likely to be sheared by those that hold the clippers.

    Barnum was right and you can bet your first testament that there are those who belive this sanctimonious s.o.b. and his neocon crede because they chose to.

    Only in America (and Iraq and Iran and Afghanistan and Pakistan and Syria, etc., etc., etc. where fanaticism speak louder than the truth).

  7. CarrieJacobson Says:

    You know, when they asked his wife where he was – during his initial vanishment – she said she had absolutely no idea. I think that even that was cool. She knew where he was, I suspect, at least generally – but she didn’t get bogged down in accusation or slander – or in protecting him. Yay!

  8. ncangelone Says:

    PS and a side note – there is a fantastic movie documentary out there called “Outrage” – its about politicians who are gay, or its pretty well known they are gay, who are actively supporting and pursuing legislation targeted against the LGBT community…laws like gays not being allowed to adopt, etc. Look for it in a small theatre near you. Sorta same subject here – hypocrisy at its finest and slimiest form.

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